Chewed End of a Biro Penn Station

prepare for geekiness

2010-10-11T19:00:00.002+11:00

So I watched Iron Man 2 again and it got me thinking about the whole movie plan that's working up around those. See in recent years we've had both the original Iron Man and this sequel, as well as The Incredible Hulk. Now Iron Man had Samuel L. Jackson appear in a post-credits scene, and play a side role in the sequel. Robert Downey Junior made a simillar appearance in Hulk.

In addition to that we have a movie about Thor coming out next year, as well as one about Captain America. Then in 2012 there will be a movie grouping them all together, as well as Hawkeye (apparently not cool enough to get his own movie), followed by a third Iron Man in 2013, and any possible sequels to the other movies mentioned.

It's interesting, because I don't know that movies have ever really been done this way before. As a big lover of intricate designs, it appeals to me, having about nine or ten movies all focusing on the same group of characters, some with them together, some apart. Of course not all of them are very good (coughhulkcough) but hopefully when all put together they should be able to bring some decent force to the screen.

Perhaps the best part is that Joss Whedon will be direction. That's right, Firefly Joss Whedon. If that's not a stamp of highly likely quality, then I don't know what is (although theres always the concern he might pull out like he did with Wonder Woman (but really, where was THAT ever going to go?)).

Anyhow, I'm excited. I think it will be interesting to watch, and I love when people experiment with mediums.

please, sir, can I have some more?

2010-10-08T15:19:00.002+11:00

So there's all these rumours going on about an additional set of Harry Potter books.

Now while there's a lot fo rumour I should start with the quote by J. K. on the subject - "I feel I am done, but you never know."

Apparently a mark made in passing that she thinks she COULD write three more books about Harry and won't definitely say that it'll never happen has been taken as a promise of a new trilogy on the horizon.

Now, there's some basis for this. Does anyone remember "It's more likely I'll be lead goalkicker for the Western Bulldogs then take over for Prime Minister Rudd this year?" Yeah, only one of those happened, Jules.

But I doubt we'll see any new Harry Potter books. Not because Rowling can't write them, but because she should be smart enough to decide not to. More of Harry right now would feel entirely like a grab for cash, and probably read like it, too. I mean she spent seven books being centred around defeating Voldemort, whats's next? Harry and Ginny, the Early Years?

It'd be roughly akin to Tolkein writing a sequel (from the grave) to LotR - A Legolas and Gimli Buddy Comedy about trying to get some from the local twins.

About the only thing I can think of to continue on from Harry without insulting the rest of the series would be some books that are written in the same WORLD, but not about, or not directly about, Harry and Company. Personally I would be stoked to read some fiction about relations between humans and goblins. To me that is probably the one big open question about the future of the wizarding world. Toss in some cameo appearances from major and minor characters and you'd have solid gold, without making The Battle of Hogwarts (why didn't she name the last book that? much cooler) feel like a lame prequel.

Well, just my two cents. I will now post this, so that every curly haired witch and her dogs can disagree with me.

and so it begins

2010-10-06T09:44:00.002+11:00

Just when I thought life was getting boring, it heats up again:

1. NaNoWriMo starts in under a month. This is the time for preparation! I have plenty of prep done so far but still feel nowhere near completed.

2. Diversion Magazine reboot. I want to be able to have a first issue come January. The wheels are in motion, here's hoping they speed up.

3. A super secret project that I have actually been SWORN TO SECRECY about. How awesome is that?

the news

2010-10-05T20:42:00.004+11:00

NEWS FLASH:

THIS FISH HAS TEETH.

ON ITS TONGUE.

NEVER, EVER, GO NEAR THE OCEAN.

In other new, Brazil just elected a clown into congress. Now, and only now, do we know which nation is most advanced.

The Other Guys

2010-09-29T13:40:00.001+10:00

Hrrm, made a big review on The Other Guys but blogger ate it. In short; the movie is dissapointing. I thought it would be really good, and while there were parts of it that were, most of it was a bunch of junk you normally expect from a Will Ferrel movie. That said Will himself was excellent, Wahlberg was a huge let down. See it if you like Will Ferrel and getting a few laughs, don't if you're easily offended. Shows promise if Ferrel and McKay can get out of their rut.

6.5/10

The Terminal Man

2010-09-12T09:53:00.003+10:00

So I read "The Terminal Man" by Michael Crichton. It was pretty good, especially since I was thinking it was the book of the movie they made with Tom Hanks; turned out to be something completely done ironically with the same title.

The idea of the book is that there is a patient with brain damage that causes him to occasionally have mental seizures which make him incredibly and irrationally violent. Neurosurgeons are going to perform a new operation on him known as a stage three, basically inserting 40 electrodes into his brain to stimulate it and prevent the seizures.

Things start to go wrong when he becomes addicted to the stimulations; and his brain starts making the seizures go over and over so that he keeps getting the stimulation. Before long it starts to overload and he goes into the seizures anyway. He escapes the hospital and starts wreaking havoc.

It was pretty good up to this point, but afterwards it became just a little predictable. I can already guess this is probably one of Crichton's earlier novels. That said it's like a lot of his others in that the true value is in the thoughts it provokes and not the story, and the characters often act, and thus things progress, in a manner that would not seem out of place in real life - although that can make it less entertaining.

Most of the interesting thought comes from the idea of computers and humans, and the complicated relationship between. The man recieveing the operation, Harry Benson, has had his mind warped by the brain damage and believes that computers are overtaking the world and will soon destory man kind - thus inserting fourty electrodes into his brain, and a computer into his neck to control him, really does not work well for him. It makes for some interesting thought as characters begin to question whether Benson is crazy, or if, perhaps, computers some day will be in charge.

7.5/10

Application

2010-09-09T12:47:00.001+10:00

So I finally applied for Uni. I will admit I'm a little worried I won't get in, but then I remind myself that that is just foolishness. Of course I can't help being a little bit nervous about it, because if I don't get in, I don't know what I'll do with myself next year - well, I guess the answer is to try and not worry about it.

Oh, and I did my first Plasma donation today. I did a blood one a little while back - on my birthday, actually - but this was the first time I've done Plasma. It was a little odd, they take your blood out, the centrifuge the plasma out of it, then put the red cells back in. It feels weird to have it taken out and then put back in, especially since it's gotten a little cooler. They also put some saline back into you to keep you hydrated. It just looks weird to see all these fluids coming in and out of your body without really feeling much, except that first prick of the needle. A little discomfort during but it's faded away now, although I'll probably have a little bruise from the first try at getting the needle in - the nurse kinda missed a little and got it mostly in the muscle. Mucho Oucho!

Otherwise things are pretty good. I've got about an hour left until I'm off to work - I just hope I can lift beer with these arms! Ha, should be fine, I didn't have any problems after the blood donation.

Cheers,
-Josh

gorram

2010-09-05T18:32:00.001+10:00

Well, it's finally happened. More than two years after first watching an episode of "Firefly", the word 'gorram' has worked it's way into my vocabulary. I watched a few episodes while I was in America, later saw the movie, and eventually bought the first season on DVD, but the choice word of course for Joss Whedon's universe has nestled deep into my subconscious and finally floated up to the surface. I must have thought the word a good 20-30 times today, and actually said it once or twice - who knows how long it will be before I'm an old man in a nursing home, capable only of repeating it over and over again?

A damn long time, I hope.

expendable

2010-09-01T09:46:00.001+10:00

So I went to see "The Expendables". I won't bother with a full review, since the movie was basically The A-Team with less thought put into it. Well, none. You don't need the credits to tell you that Stallone directed it. It's a half-decent way to waste 108 mins if you're a mad action fan, but otherwise, don't even bother.

6/10.

Bleeeergh.

2010-08-30T21:07:00.002+10:00

I've been on the go since 6:30 AM today, all the way throught to 8PM... I was getting stuff done in the morning and decided to get a bunch of chores done in the morning, then as I was coming home I got called into work all day. Awesome, but I am so exhausted - six days of work in a row, hoo boy! And to think I was almost going to work again tomorrow; until I told the boss that's mroe or less illegal. I'd've been happy to break the rules but I'd get in trouble if I didn't speak up and tell him he was doing it wrong. You'd be surprised how much I have to do that with my bosses sometimes - I guess little checkout boys sometimes must be very firm with upper management.

Looking forward to a day off tomorrow!

are you ready for some FOOTBALL?!?!?!?

2010-08-29T21:17:00.003+10:00

So after 176 games of AFL Football, the sixteen clubs have been cut to eight and the finals series is about to begin.

For those who don't know how Australian football works, here's how it'll go - there's eight teams, divided into the top four and the lower four. The top four's reward for staying that high is that they get a "double chance". First will play fourth and second will play third, with the winners getting a rest next week and the losers forced to play again. The bottom four go into sudden death eliminations - fifth plays eight, sixth plays seventh. The winners will play the losers from the top four, the losers are gone.

In week two the winners from the lower four and losers from the top four play eachother. The top four teams almost always win these matches, a lower four team hasn't won one of these matches since Carlton beat Essendon by 1 point in 1999. The winners of these matches go on to face the teams from the top four who won in the first week.

In the third week the winners from the last week go against the top four winners from week one, and the winner of those matches go onto the grand final in the fourth and final week to determine who is the winner overall.

This year the top teams were...
Collingwood
Geelong
St. Kilda
Western Bulldogs
Sydney
Freemantle
Hawthorn
Carlton

The best thing about this finals series is that theres several teams that all have a good chance of winning, theres no clear favourite. Collingwood has been the best team all year and I think that at their best they can beat anyone, but the question is whether or not they can stay at their best - they've been lackluster in past weeks and will need to improve to win it all.

The Cats have played in the last three grandfinals and won two of them, they'll be desperate to score of consecutive wins - but can they do it? Their record against fellow hopefuls is hit and miss - losses to Collingwood and St. Kilda, wins over Bulldogs and Hawthorn.

The Saints quite possibly want this one more than anyone. They have the longest current period since a previous premiership, and after a bitter loss to Geelong in last years game of games they want it even more. They have the will, but can they find a way? Skipper Nick Reidwoldt's form is still patchy after his return from his hamstring injury, and their loss to Adelaide this week has put some doubt on them.

The Bulldogs restored some faith in themselves with a good win this week, but have lost a few recent games to the Swans and the Cats. It will take a lot of effort for them to win this year, but they have as much chance as anyone.

Swans are a decent team and an outside chance, but I'll be surprised if they make it beyond week two.

Freo had a great start to the season and was a real chance to take a surprise shot at the cup, but after Michael Barlow broke his leg they've dropped like a stone. They'll probably fall out in the first week, a dissapointing result for this year's big improvers.

The Hawks are a real chance for an outside shot at this years cup. They lost most of the first half season, but a massive streak of wins put them inside the eight again. They've shown they can go toe to toe with the best in the game - they lost by only 2 points to Geelong, drew even with St. Kilda, and just this week beat Collingwood by a slim 3 points. They're the team whose scored the biggest winning margin this year, 115 points, and I think with a little work they could be a chance at going all the way.

Carlton will fall.

As for my favourite team North Melbourne, well, they missed out on this season final's not by wins but by a 20% deficit. They've got to be kicking themselves over that 3 point loss to Essendon, but they can't complain about slight losses - they beat the Lions by only 1 point this year.

Well, as half of all AFL fans are saying right now:

There's always next year!

edit: post 111.

punch you in your dreams

2010-08-29T13:48:00.002+10:00

So I went to see Inception for the second time, it was even better than the first.

Dominic Cobb (Leonardo DiCaprio) is and Extractor, a man paid to navigate the dreams of others and steal their secrets from the depths of their minds. But he is haunted by his past, as a false accusation of the murder of his wife leaves him unable to see his two children. When Saito (Ken Watanbee) offers him the chance to redeem himself, he has no choice but to accept. The job - to convince the heir of a multi-million dollar power company to split up his father's empire. Cobb assembles a crack team of the best in the business to probe deep into Fischer's (Cillian Murphy) mind and stretch the dreams to breaking point; and beyond.

The Pro's: It's awesome. Definitely the best movie of the year so far. All the actors are fantastic in their roles, and the characters in general are well developed. The plot is intricate, but not impossible to fathom, and there are no gaping plothole's like you might expect in something so complex.

The effects etc are fantastic, from the wacky bending of the world to the way gravity shifts in dreams.

In general the story is complex and beautiful, and the way it has been translated into film is fantastic work on the part of Christopher Nolan.

Also, the music is by Hans Zimmer. What more could you want?

The Cons: Towards the end, the violence grows a little strong and unnecessary and there is too much focus on Eames running around doing various stuff at the snow base. Could have trimmed about five or ten minutes here, and with such a long movie the more you can cut the better.

The Verdict: This movie instantly jumped to my top three favourites of all time and is a strong chance to take the top spot; only repeated viewings will tell. It's a fantastic film in many respects and all of us who dream (which has got to be almost all of us) can relate and enjoy. And the ending... by Steve, the ENDING. I loved it more than I love my own, non-existent children.

Go See it. See it. See it now. NOW. NOW!!

9.5/10

Photographics

2010-08-22T21:44:00.005+10:00

So a little while ago I bought a new camera, and today I took it out for a spin. Nothing notable, just a stroll around the neighbourhood snapping a few happy snaps. These are some of the better ones.

Parking lot in front of the... shopping centre? kind off. It's more a bunch of big furniture/electronics/arts and crafts stores all stuck together instead of a 'mall' style thing. Regardless, it was pretty cloudy out.

A little blue flower, thousands of which were growing by the side of the road. This camera takes damn good close ups - this has been reduced to about 5% of the photos actual size so that it can fit on the old blogosphere, but at full size it's still perfectly clear.

Some hippy hanging out by a tree.

scott pilgrim v. the world

2010-08-21T21:30:00.002+10:00

So I went to see Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. It kind of snuck up on me - really, I had no idea the movie existed till it had already been out for a week, which meant it somehow snuck under my radar. Probably cause I live under a rock, AKA work.

For those of you not in the know, the movie is based around this premise. Scott Pilgrim is your average Canadian - in a band, dating a high school girl, unemployed. That was very mean, I actually like Canadians. I assume. But they're the New Zealanders of America. Anyway, moving on. We enter the movie with Scott (Michael Cera), 22, dating 17 y-o Knives Chau, and yes, that is the best name ever.

Scott's pleased with his new girlfriend until he dreams about and then meets Ramona Flowers, an American whose just moved to Toronto. Scott's instantly attracted and no longer cares for Knives and spends all his time trying to win her over. When he finally secures a date with her, he recieves a mysterious email and promptly deletes it. The next day he wishes he hadn't when he is attacked and forced into a duel to the death by Ramona's first of seven evil ex's - Matthew Patel.

Ramona reveals that Scott has to defeat each one of her evil exes in turn if their relationship is to have any hope of continuation, and the movie revolves around him trying to do this while being frustrated that he is being put through such a trial. There are also side plots, like Knives' obession over Scott and attempts to win him back, and Scott's band attempting to win the local Battle of the Bands.

The Pro's: This movie has a fantastically fresh feel to it; it's crammed with cheesy comic book and video game effects that make it, for now, unique. The director has done a truly fantastic job, it really feels like you're watching a comic book. That might not appeal to some, and fair enough, but this hits home with a niche market that will forever love it. A small seinfeld parody mid-film really takes one buy surprise and adds some fresh humour, making a scene that would've been boring into a winner.

A lot of the characters are truly fantastic, from the small to the big. Ramona's first three exes are all well done - fashion obsessed Matthew Patel is worth a few laughs and its a shame he doesn't get more of a role, hollywood A-lister Lucas Lee is a hillariously dim action star, and drummer Todd, who's veganism has given him psychokinetic powers, takes the cake. Scott's gay roomate Wallace is probably the best of the lot.

The movie is a fun experience, and it's one you won't forget - its not another romcom to add to a well mixed blend, it's something new and refreshing which can be enjoyed several times.

The Cons: Michael Cera is improving as an actor but is still a long way from being watchable. At the moment he's passable instead of terrible, and there only a few instances in the movie where he manages to command your attention. The actress who plays Ramona also suffers in this regard, brightly coloured hair regardless.

Scott is unintersting, Ramona too - and their relationship is basically "you know, this movie wouldn't make sense if we didn't like eachother." "well, better do that then." When the center of a movie of something that doesn't seem credible, it makes the rest of the movie fall flat - Twilight, anyone?

The plot doesn't develope nearly as well as it could have. Ultimately the end seems rather pedestrian, when the early stages of the movie are fantastic.

The Verdict: If you like video games, see it. If you like comics, see it. If you've ever used the internet for pleasure, see it. If - steve help you - you like Michael Cera, see it. If you get a kick out of 'gay' humour, see it. If you like a decent fight scene, see it. If theres nothing much else on, see it. If you've got a spare ticket, see it. If you're not doing anything, see it. Yes there's a group this film won't appeal to, but if you searched the title on the internet and found this blog and read this far, you're not in it. This is the sort of movie that needs to be scene at the cinema - so if anything about it piques your interest, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

8/10

woo.

2010-08-20T19:27:00.002+10:00

So tomorrow for the first time ever I'm going to vote in the national election - hurrah, hurrah. To be honest I'm not all that excited. I wish that out there there was a candidate who stood for everything I stood for, but in truth none of them are even close.

On one hand you have Julia Gillard, who was put in charge after Kevin Rudd steppped down a little while ago. I've got nothing against her, even if she is a Western Bulldog supporter, but if I had to pick my ideal candidate I would not say they'd be an Atheist. Now I'm a firm believer in that everyone has the right to be who they want to be and believe what they want to, but seeing as I'm being literally forced to choose who I want to lead me, I have to be objective about their various qualities.

Alternatively theres Tony Abbot, who I can neither abide because he wants to stop the boats used by people smugglers to bring refugees to Australia. Yes, I know it's illegal, and yes, I know that we'll still be bringing in 'legal' refugees, but I still think it's the right of all people to have safety and freedom, and if we can provide it then it's our responisbility to do so.

The unfortunate thing about a two party system is that you only get the choice between two major parties and there's often good and bad things about both of them. Sure there are third parties more specialised, but they're still miles away from what I'd choose if I could, and even if they were bang on, there's no chance they'd be elected.

On the other hand, I suppose that's the theory behind why our government does, or should, work - all the parties have different ways of doing things, and their good and bad points, but if we have a random cobbling of various parties working together we should be able to make a working government. While it's a good plan it relies on the idea that only the best parts of our politicans will shew through, instead of say, the worst parts.

What can I say? I don't think any goverment on earth is perfect. I don't even know if it's possible to have one that would be perfect, or even close. I suppose in the end we just have to pick who we think will do the best by our country, then sit back and watch, and remember that no matter who we elect nothing ever changes anyway.

Ha.

case files

2010-08-19T16:56:00.005+10:00

So today I'm starting a new feature on Penn Station - again. Welcome to the premiere of "Sucks to be You."

SUCKS TO BE YOU #1

In the US, there's a man named Roger Frerking. I knowwhat you're thinking, that's almost "Freaking" - but that's not what I'm here to talk about, because that would be awesome, not sucky. No, Roger has a very rare medical disorder.

Roger has narcolepsy, with cataplexy. In laymans terms it means that whenever he experiences a certain emotion, he becomes paralyzed. He's still able to see and hear what goes on around him, but he can't move or talk. For most people this is activated by things like boredom or laughter, for Roger, it's affection.

Roger is married with two step children, but whenever he feels romantic he freezes up and can't do anything - a bit like me when a cute girl walks by, but much more severe. In fact Roger's case is so sensitive he can't even see two strangers have a loving moment, or probably even watch the end of Pirates of the Carribean without freezing up.

Unfortunately for Roger this means that to maintain mobility he has to avoid moments of romance or sentimetality, which is understandably difficult for a married man. His wife still loves him very much however, and even keeps a blog about their relationship, which I presume he is unable to read.

Well, from all of us here at Penn Station - which is, me, - "we" wish Roger and Trish the best with their lives and hope that one day a cure can be found for his affliction.

~~~

For those interested, this is Trish's blog.

Edit: Oh, I just realised his name is Matt. I don't know where I got Roger from.

humanity to die out soon, scientists say.

2010-08-15T21:33:00.005+10:00

The human races' dwindling amount of time left on this earth just became a lot more dwindling, say top scientists. The discovery of a new 'superbug', resistant to all current antibiotics, spells certain doom for humanity.

They say that pride goes before a fall, and that may very well be the case, for the bug takes its roots in south-east asia, but is travelling to the world through 'medical tourists', those who travel to far reaching corners of the globe in search of cheaper surgery. While many cases are for those who can't afford a life-saving procedure in their homeland, more often than not it's for cosmetic surgery.

Cases are mostly restricted to India, Pakistan, Bangladesh and other nations of the area, but cases have already been reported in the United States, all across Europe, and everyone's favourite continent, Australia.

Scientists were quoted as saying such alarming thing's as "Mortality is going back... to the 1920's," and "you've got major problems".

It's suspected the bug could actually revive felled patients after death, which we all know was commonplace in the 1920's.

Fig A: 1920's Zombie.

Since the disease is mostly localised in Asia, it will certianly be the first to go. Worst hit will undoubtedly be Japan.

Fig B: Japan.

However, before long we can expect the world to be a barren wasteland ruled over by massive hordes of undead. It's a shame, but what do you really expect? We all knew it was coming. We leave you now with this artist's impression of how the face of humanity will soon appear.

Fig 3: The Desolate Future.

~~~

Sorry, I just wanted to have some fun with blowing a story completely out of proportion and then making it less and less probable. If you're interested, here are the "real" articles.

Article 1
Article 2
Article 3

cupcakes: the reckoning

2010-08-11T23:02:00.004+10:00

So you remember my charity of the month thing? Well, this month it is the RSPCA's cupcake day. But I'll let you in on all the details later. Right now I want to show you the cupcakes I've made.

Choc-o-Slide

A little chocolate cake topped with a mountain of chocolate ganache and decorated with curls of milk chocolate.

Avalanche

The white chocolate counterpart to the Choco-o-Slide.

Strawberry Saturday

A plain cupcake base topped with a marshmallowy soft frosting, flavoured with real strawberries, and a slice of strawberry for decoration.

down down, stresses are down

2010-07-23T21:53:00.003+10:00

So I'm starting a new feature on my magical mystery blog

...Wow, that is so what I should have called it.

and that is "Charity of the Month". I don't like to rant on about what I do with my money but suffice to say that if I have some excess I like to find a worthy cause and pass what I can on, and I think it can only help to promote these causes on my blog - whether you feel inspired to donate yourself or not is up to you, but please take the time to have a flick through and see what I've come up with.

This month's charity is Lifeline Australia's "Stress Down" day. Lifeline is a volunteer company for telephone counseling - basically, if you need counseling in an emergency, or can't afford a therapist, you can call them up and will be put through to a telephone counselor, who will talk through with you your problems. It provides a valuable front line service for better mental health in Australia, and has helped millions in its time.

Lifeline is even now expanding into a worldwide organization - in fact, two of my mothers currently live in Fiji, volunteering to help set up and organize Lifeline Fiji.

Lifeline is always in need of Telephone Counselors, individuals who can give up even just a few hours a week to work a shift on the phones. Of course you need to go through training first - contact your local lifeline for more information.

For those of us who can't be Counselor's, for whatever reason, Lifeline always appreciates donations. In fact, they run many opportunity shops around the country, where you can donate goods, and they will be sold for cheap prices to raise money for Lifeline. Shopping or donating here will raise money for Lifeline, or you could volunteer your time as a shop hand.

There is also Lifeline's annual "Stress Down" day, a day dedicated to lessening stress in peoples lives. The day is epitomized by its love of slippers, and suggests that to release stress, one might go to work in said slippers, or even their pajamas. I decided to celebrate by taking the day off entirely, and of course donating to the event. Already $30,000 has been raised for Lifeline all over the country.

The website for Lifeline Australia is here.
The website for Stress Down Day is here.
If you are in need of counseling, for whatever reason, you can take the first step and call lifeline on 13 11 14. Please do not trouble counselors with phony or prank calls, as there are only so many of them, and many more in need of help.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

joshy bloggs

2010-07-16T20:26:00.004+10:00

100 Posts.

I originally intended to make this post on my birthday, but the laptop kerfuffle kept that from happening. I had a great birthday, all together - I got my blood sucked out at the local red cross, and had a big family dinner with presents all round.

Then on the weekend I went down to Geelong with a few friends to see North Melbourne lose by 34 points... but it was a nice day anyhow. I stayed in town and went to the movies, saw the A-Team - good movie, 9/10, - and then spent the morning in Geelong. After that I caught up with my buddies in Melbourne for a quick end-of-day-special at the chinese take out before sprinting back to the station and getting there a minute before the train left.

It was a great time, altogether - and now, to leave you with the memories.

sorry dude

2010-07-09T17:21:00.001+10:00

Laptop buzzed out, sorry for the shortage of blog posts. We'll return to your regular unscheduled lunacy shortly.

report cards

2010-06-29T22:19:00.003+10:00

So on the AFL website, they released a bunch of "midseason" report cards, talking about how the teams have done and giving them grades based on that so far. They go indepth in a way I could never, but they only made about five of them and I think the grades were pretty poorly done. So I've decided to do my own.

My mothers are excused from reading this post.

#1: Geelong Cats - A+
Top of the Class
The cats have dominated this season, they've kicked almost two hundred more points than any other team in the competition, and they're 25% ahead of them all. They're number one on the ladder, the only concern is their shaky losses early on, which they seem to have recovered from, and their recent loss to St. Kilda. They've played everyone else in the Top Four, but only beaten one of them. Will they be able to pull it together and take it all the way for the third time in recent years? Maybe. Maybe not.

#2: St. Kilda - A+
The Saints suffered tragedy early on this season, losing skipper Nick Reidwoldt to a continuation of his ongoing hamstring injury. He's been out ever since, and the mighty began to fall in his absence, losing three from their next five. However, they soon found form again, and began improving to the point where last week they bested flag favourites Geelong. Everyone wondered which would win out - Geelong's Amazing Attack Power, or the Saints Legendary Defense - it was the latter, as the Cats scored on 43 points, their lowest all season by a wide margin. Can the Saints beat the Cats again, in the finals? They couldn't last year, but with that practice behind them, they just might make it and finally end their premiership drought. They've beaten every other team in the top four.

#3: Collingwood - B
The Pies had a good start to the year, doing much better than was expected of them, but they've slipped in recent weeks. They were doing well, and were even flag favourites until they lost to Geelong and dropped from first place. Their loss to Geelong was followed by another loss, this time to the poorly ranked Brisbane Lions. They managed to next week beat the Dogs, but the win was unconvincing - the Dogs kicked ten of the last eleven goals. Then they drew with the abysmal Demons, and though they beat the Swans this week, they were clearly not at their top. They're still third on the ladder, but unless they find form again, they may plummet.

#4: Fremantle - A
These guys may be below the pies, but they deserve the highest of marks simply for sheer improvement. No one expected the Dockers to do well this season but they've come bursting out of the docks (hee hee) and practically guaranteed themselves a place in the final. They won their first three matches, including a tight one against former premiers Geelong. Their only losses have been a shocker against Adelaide, although that was largely induced by the fact that it was an Adelaide players fair-well match, and losing two matches to St. Kilda, and one to Collingwood. They don't have to play any top four teams the rest of the year, and I think they'll probably only lose one or two more, if any - this should see them confidently in the top four at the end of the year. The cup might be a bit beyond them this year, as Freo players don't have much finals experience, but it's a sign of good things to come.

#5: Bulldogs - B
These guys are doing pretty good, but play has been inconsistent. The real question is whether or not they will pull into better form in time for the finals - maybe, maybe not. They're going to have a hard time forcing one of the current top four out of their position if they want to get in, and boy do they. They might be able to knock Collingwood out if the Pies don't improve, but I don't think they'll be winning the flag this year.

#6: Carlton - B
I didn't think the Blues would be here at this point in the year, but they are. They're another team that has a problem with playing great footy one week, and then being terrible the next. They've lost to teams like North Melbourne and Essendon, but beaten teams like Geelong and the Saints. I don't think they have what it takes to make it into the Top Four, but they'll probably get into the finals.

#7: Sydney - C
The Swans aren't doing too badly, but they're not doing nearly as well as they did early this year - in fact, they were on top of the ladder for two weeks. But now they're down to seventh and not looking likely to improve. They're about 50/50 on making it into the finals, if they keep up a few more wins they should make it through. But I don't see them getting past week one of September.

#8: Hawthorn - C-
The hawks one the first game of the year, then lost their next six. Everyone had given up on them, but then they won the next six. The question is whether or not they can keep it up - they play the Dogs this year, who knows if they'll win? I doubt it, but it could happen. If/when their momentum breaks, will they be able to get started again, or will they drop back into obscurity? We'll see, children. We'll see.

#9: North Melbourne - D+
Yeah! Woo! North Melbourne, woo! Well, we've been doing fairly well. We beat Carlton and a few other teams lately, and we've made a massive improvement since the start of the season. Of course, we play Geelong next, and they're just looking to prove they can beat someone, so there's not alot of hope there, but if we can keep up our current playing style we MAY break into the finals. Can't believe we'll get too far in them, week two, maybe week three if extremely lucky.

#10: Essendon - D
Essendon have had some good wins this year - beating the Dogs, Carlton, and Hawthorn - but all in all they've failed to impress. It'll take an impressive second half of the season to get into the finals, they'd have to win 7 from 9 to have a chance - and really, what are the odds of that?

#11: Lions - D-
The Lions had one of the best starts to the season, but dropped off the map completely, winning only one of the next NINE games they played in a brief flash of hope against Collingwood. Now, they have had some fairly closes losses, but they need to win 5 from 7 to make it to finals, and I don't think that'll happen. Their early wins were thanks to Jonathon Brown and Brendan Fevola, both of whom have become sporadic from injury.

#12: Port Adelaide - D-
The Power weren't too bad at the start of the season, they were even the first team to beat St. Kilda all year, but they soon slumped and have now lost six in a row, including losing the first match that Richmond ever won this year. It'll take a miracle to get them into the 8 this year - and there ain't no miracles coming.

#13: Melbourne - F
Stick a fork in 'em, they're done. Melbourne have effectively proved that their three-in-a-row streak early this year was just a flash in the pan, their only other win this year was a one point thriller over Port Adelaide. They just don't have the power to be competitive, the only upside is that they can probably avoid the wooden spoon this year.

#14: Adelaide - F
The Crows have been improving, but not nearly enough to be a threat. They lost their first half a dozen matches, and no one is happier than me to tell them they're going to miss out on a finals berth.

#15: West Coast - F
A team that only four years ago won the Grand Final is almost at the bottom of the ladder after a simply terrible season. They've had very few wins, and far between. There's no hope for them this season, and unless they improve, they'll probably be wooden spooners.

#16: Richmond - F
It took ten rounds for them to pull a win, but they've now won 3 of the past 4. The tigers would have to win every remaining match of the year to be a finals hope, and despite their improvement, that's just not going to happen. However, if they can pull another three or four wins from the rest of the season they should get off the bottom of the ladder, and gain a little face coming into next year. It's exciting to see the skills of forward Jack Riedwoldt, instrumental in their victories, including 10 goals in a 51 point win over West Coast. He's the leading goal kicker in the entire competition, with 48 for the year. Will he stay with Richmond, or will another team snap him up? Only time will tell.

Cheers,
Josh

Masterchef

2010-06-29T22:03:00.007+10:00

I don't watch much TV. If it were up to me we wouldn't have a TV at all, although I will admit it has its advantages. I don't mind sticking on a DVD or six to just create some noise if I'm home alone, so that I don't have to worry about burglars attacking and me needing to defeat them with a serious of hillarious traps and paint cans.

But this year, like last year, there is a show on called 'Masterchef'. I watched it a few times and now I'm pretty much hooked. They have a two dozen amateur chefs and then they eliminate them two a week. Good fun, this is the kind of show I enjoy, where peoples personalities come into it etc. although I don't enjoy it when people get all 'rrr! grrr!'

Anyhow, I was getting a little disillusioned toward it, because they've been slowing down the eliminations to one a week. It's a good show, but they're dragging it out to milk money from it and it bugs me out. The worst part is that this week they brought back three contestants from waaaay long ago who got eliminated to join it again. Stupidest thing ever, because none of them are even remotely as good as the people still there. It was pretty obvious the contestants were annoyed too - I mean, they've fought hard to stay in it this long, and now some people just get back in on luck, but if they get eliminated, do they get a double chance? Nope.

I know people don't exactly line up for my creative advice - yet - but I really think this was an awful decision.

Even worse, America is going to do their own version of the show starring... Gordon Ramsay. My mortal enemy. Well, no, not quite, I already have two of them and they're working out just fine. But he's a guy who, in popular culture, more or less personifies swearing, and has made millions of dollars off it, so, yeah, I can't stand him even slightly and it frustrates me that people encourage it.

Aside from that, all's well, folks! I mean come on, it's bloody TV. Roughly the least important thing there is.

Stimulating blog post, this.

smooth operator

2010-06-28T23:26:00.002+10:00

So I have a new job - again. Finally after two "You're Hired!" then never getting called again, I've finally found something that seems like it will be around for more than a shift or two.

I've gone back to my old place as a Checkout Operator. It's neato, because I'm working at the supermarket thats only a block from where I live. Today on my lunch break I was able to walk back, get my wallet, walk back up, buy some groceries and eat lunch, all in 25 minutes! Neato.

And I'm already experiencing the joy of being a Checkout Operator - haveing weird and wacky customers! I'll be sure to record their exploits here when they happen. I've also been working a bit in grocery - unpacking and capping, etc. It's nice, menial work that doesnt require too much concentration, so I can drift off and think about writing or Diversion.

So, yeah. All good here.

2010-06-24T10:25:00.006+10:00

Wowzers! It's not every morning you wake up and there's a new Prime Minister, but June 24 2010 is one we'll remember, because this morning our former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd officially stood down from leadership of the labor party, and turned that responsibility over to his Deputy PM, Julia Gillard.

Rudd's popularity as Prime Minister has been dropping for some time now, as though he made some exciting promises during his campaign, he has mostly failed to keep them. At first there was going to be a ballot to decide the new leader, but early this morning Kevin Rudd officially just said, "I'm out," and walked away.

So now Ms. Julia Eileen Gillard will be our 27th Prime Minister. As should be obvious, this brings along several firsts.

#1: First Female Prime Minister. There was some speculation a long time ago that Ms. Gillard my eventually succeed Kevin Rudd and become the nation's first woman to rule, but none of it was taken very seriously, and few thought it would happen any time soon. In fact, Ms. Gillard recently was asked about the prospect, and said it was a long time off.

#2: First Redhead Prime Minister. Finally, no gray haired old men sitting around being all gray haired and old. Huzzah!

#3: First Unmarried Prime Minister. That's right, boys, she's not married! She's not single either, though. Ms. Gillard has a long time partner, Tim Mathieson, who is a hairdresser. Yeah, no doubt about who wears the pants in this one.

#4: First Foreign Born Prime Minister. Ms. Gillard was born in Wales in 1961, where her father was a coal minor. However, after she endured bronchopneuomnia as a child, a doctor recomended relocation to a warmer environment - Australia! And that little girl grew up to be Prime Minister! Wow! Hear that girls? Better start coal mining!

#5: First Western Bulldogs Supporter as Prime Minister. Okay, well, I don't have absolute proof on this one, its possible another Prime Minister has been before, but its still a point of interest. Does this mean the Western Bulldogs will win the Grand Final now? That'd REALLY make Ms. Gillards year.

I remember that quote she gave now - (paraphrased) "It is more likely I will become the Western Bulldogs leading goalkicker than replace Kevin Rudd this year."

The big question now is when we will have our next election. It MUST COME before March next year, but most people were expecting it happen around October this year, at least with Kevin Rudd in charge. But now the question is whether Jules (that's right, we're calling her Jules now) will call for one now while she's Ms. Popularity, or wait until later on when her position is more established.

Oh, and even better news: New Futurama Episodes Tonight! Wooooooooooo!

(Sorry, but I can't seem to get there to be breaks between paragraphs here. I think it's because of the text wrap on the picture. I'll try to fix it up later.)

Pub Parmy

2010-06-23T18:44:00.003+10:00

So tonight I added a new dish to my repetoire, the classic Chicken Parmigana. Tasty stuff, it's a staple of Aussie Pubs the nation around.

I've never attempted to make a chicken schnitzel before, so it was a little daunting. I used skinless chicken breasts, and then dipped them in an egg/milk mixture before coating them with a breadcrumb mixture - just plain crumbs mixed with some chopped chives. I gave them a quick thirty seconds/one minute cook on either side before putting them on the oven tray.

The next layer was the bacon. Some or most would use ham, but bacon>ham. Gave it a quick fry in the pan as well. Fry it before the chicken otherwise it gets covered in burnt breadcrumbs, then laid it on top of the chicken, two peices each. Decadent, but what am I if not a lover of bacon?

The sauce was something I prepared some time earlier. I took three standard cans of whole peeled tomatoes and put them through a food processor. Then I put them in a pot to thicken, and added a little olive oil. While they were bolining I chopped up a decent quality of basil leaves and then tossed them in to the mix as well. It boiled up nice and thick, and tastes GREAT. Spoon a bit on top of the bacon.

After that, add some cheese of choice. I used plain old tasty cheese, but most recipes reccomend Mozarella. I'm not a big fan of Motzie, I think it lacks flavour, but it is a great cheese for melting, so that's up to you. Alternatively I think it might be interesting to chuck on a slice or two of swiss cheese, that's a flavour I really enjoy, so long as I only eat it rarely.

In the oven for about twenty minutes, and they came out just right. There's lots of things you can put on the side - just some plain steamed vegies will do fine, and are probably the best healthwise, but you might consider doing some roast vegies, a nice bed of mashed potatoes, or even some homemade chips! Alternatively, if you're lame, you could make a salad, but, you know, lame.

As for desert, we have some echidna balls we made a few days ago. I call them echidna balls, because they're like Rum Balls, but have no Rum. This makes them basically hedgehog slice in ball form, but because we're in Australlia, it's echidna balls, baby.

That's all, folks!

News you can't Use

2010-06-23T14:31:00.006+10:00

IN THE NEWS, TODAY:

New York City's iconic street performer, the Naked Cowboy, may have finally met his match.

Robert Bruck, who has amassed fame, if not wealth, by dressing in his underpants and a cowboy hat and playing his guitar in public places, has some competition on his hands, as his "success" has attracted a copycat performer, Sandy Kane - the Naked Cowgirl.

Sandy is an over-fifty stripper who used to end her act by setting her breasts on fire. No, I'm not screwing with you. Don't have any photos of it, though. Now she's made an OHS inspired career choice, singing and playing the guitar in Times Square, dressed only in a hat and bikini.

The Cowboy himself is severely pissed. He's had an erratic history, from auditioning unsuccesfully for both American and Australian Idol, to declaring his intentions to run in the 2009 New York mayoral elections and dropping out two months before the vote.

Now he's threatening to sue Ms. Kane, demanding a US$5700 payment for using his 'Franchise'. Ms. Kane refuses to pay up, claiming she's "not selling any products" and only makes "Two dollars a picture".

Mr. Bruck refused to compromise: "If she's going to... make money off of it, then, yeah, she's going to have to pay."

Now, I'm not the type of guy who goes around pretending he knows the answers to everyones problems (quiet, you all giggling back there) but I think this one would be, quite hillairously, solved with a marriage license. Then there'd be no more squabbling, and they could combine their earning power to become an even greater tourist attraction.

Eh?

Eh?

Z-Land

2010-06-22T22:24:00.005+10:00

So I watched the recent movie Zombieland the other night. It's not a sequel to Adventureland, but it features the "-land" suffix and stars the same actor as the main character. They're techincally different characters, but might as well be the same.

Overall, I thought it was pretty average, especially considering it was the highest grossing zombie movie of all time. I'm a man who expects a lot from his zombie movies, and this just didn't deliver.

Here's the minuses.

#1: No one dies. There are four main characters, and they all survive the movie unscathed. Call me a huge jerk, but I think this is pretty lame and incredibly unrealistic. It's a movie about a Zompocalypse. People are going to die. Frequently.

#2. Jesse Einsberg. He's not a particularly woeful actor, but he plays a uniform character that he and Michael Cera have been portraying for a while now, the classic high school/college version who is very awkward at talking to girls. BORING. This is someone I might have related to once upon a time, but now it's just uninteresting, especially seeing as the characters main quest is usually to lose their virginity. Not only are these characters as dull as slugs, but their not the kind of people who survive a Zombie uprising.

#3: Too Mainstream. There is just something about this movie that makes it unlike other Zombie movies. I usually support breaking away from the trend, but that's what regular Zombie movies have been doing, this feels like it's trying to make the Zombie Movie Niche fit into the world wide conglomerate of Softcore Action/Romantic Comedy Ltd. Similarly the plot overall is pretty disappointing.

The halfies

#1: The girls. These characters are fun to start with, but quickly become boring and two Dimensional. I love their little scams, and I was dissapointed they didn't develope further.

The plusses.

#1: Woody Frickin' Harrelson. The man is awesome, and a fantastic actor. I love the way he can be virtually unrecognisable, you would be hard fought to think this is the same man as played Charlie in 2012, or Monix in Semi-Pro (he look better with long hair, as do we all. Yes, I said it, EVIL ONE.). He plays a kick-ass zombie hunter on the quest to find a twinkie, but has perhaps the most emotional depth of any one in this movie, the tragic loss of his son, Buck. The years of experience Woody has over the kids who form the rest of the cast is painfully apparent. This guy ROCKS.

#2: Bill Murray. He does a cameo in this movie, where the characters go to hide out in his mansion and discover he is still alive. Unfortunately, he has a fondness for dressing up as a zombie, so he can still get about town, and when he uses this to play a prank on Columbus (Jesse Einsberg) he gets shot and dies.

#3: Zombie Hunting. Though unrealistic, this movie has some pretty awesome and occasionaly hardcore Zombie hunting going on, mostly thanks to Talahasse (Woody Harrelson). Also good is the MC's rules for survival, which figure prominently in the movie. Their inclusion is very well done.

Overall: Rent it if you like zombie movies, but wait until it becomes a weekly. You may enjoy it more than I.
6.5/10

The interesting thing is that since this movie was a great financial success, there will be a sequel. I'll be interested to see it, I admit - will they carry on with these same characters, or go to a whole new batch? If the latter, will they meet new people? Will it be an improvement, or just a milking of the cashcow?

When they meet Bill Murray, Tallahasse says "Six people alive in the world, and one of them is Bill freakin' Murray!" but there are only five people, that we know of. Silly mistake, or a hint to the next movie? Tallahasse never SAYS his son is dead, just that he lost him. Maybe he's alive somewhere, somehow.

Oh, for those wanting to see a true mastery of the zombie art, I reccomend Undead or Alive. It's pretty cheesy, but there is some genuine, original plot work going on, and I would have to name it to date as my favourite zombie movie.

Well, that's all, folks! I'm going to return to pressing my pens up agaisnt the heater, and melting the plastic on them, then pulling them away so they make long plasticy strands!

Damn, I'm one happenin' dude!

The News

2010-06-19T11:33:00.002+10:00

IN THE NEWS, TODAY:

A coffee shop in Denver Colorado has been served an eviction notice. "Perky Cups" made waves in the local community for employing female barista's to dress in bikini's while at work. Although this attracted a petition, which thirty locals signed, the eviction notice stated that Perky Cups had sent its scantily clad employees outside to entice people into the store, but had not been given a licence to trade outside the store. This seems like the sort of thing that could have been given a warning, though. There were also claims of alleged unpaid rent, and there is currently a court case to determine the validity of this claim.

In the end, though, doensn't it come down to the morality of using sex appeal to attract customers? Its no big secret that many retail or hospitality businesses preferr to employ young, conventionally attractive women, simply because a majority of people find their appearances more pleasing. Isn't this just one step further than that? And if the girls who work there don't have a problem with it, should we?

On the other hand, shouldn't a neighbourhood of people have a right to decide that they don't want a business of that sort in their location? Perhaps so, but with only thirty signatures it suggests that most people don't mind. Is it a step forward for freedom of expression, or the symptom of society's moral decay?

How many rhetorical questions can I possibly ask?

Ultimately I would say that the truth lies somewhere in between, and I don't think either side has their morals perfectly set. Perhaps we should just go with the Capitalist way, and let the market decide.

On the lighter side of the news, a twenty seven year old woman in a nightclub was almost arrested for underage drinking a few nights ago, when another patron mistook her for sixteen year old pop singer Justin Beiber.

The woman called the police and told them the sixteen year old was boozing it up with his mates at the nightclub, and the police arrived and forced the woman to produce I.D. proving conclusively that she was not Beiber before allowing her to continue getting plastered in peace.

snakes! in a drain!

2010-06-18T19:58:00.004+10:00

So, we finally had the drain blockage unblocked today. I was so happy. It's been going down really slowly for a while, the last time I washed dishes it took overnight to go down, then it just didn't. The guy came by and now it works like normal!

I'm a little confused as to how it happened, though. I mean, I know I probably shove a bit more stuff down the drain than I should, but I've always done that, and it's never been a problem before. Anyway, I've started putting some cleaning spray down there after each wash to break stuff up.

Oh, there weren't actually snakes in there, that's just a bit of fun.

Other than that I had a pretty neat day - I went for a bike ride and applied for some jobs, I made some spicy chicken burrittos, I baked up some ANZAC bicuits, and cleaned the kitchen. Now I'm going to sit back and watch the football. Huzzah!

Venus

2010-06-17T19:15:00.004+10:00

So I wrote a story recently, the idea was to write about the concept of Venusian aliens coming to earth. The seeds were planted more than ten years ago when I bought a book on Alien Encounters from the local department store. A few years later I used it as my primary source writing an essay for sixth grade, when we were told to do a project on something involving space. Everyone else did the classic school project - you know, big piece of coloured cardboard with fancy cut outs etc etc. I was the only one who just wrote up a nice, straightforward document of the information I'd gathered.

Anyway I remembered enjoying the stories about George Adamski and his visits from Venusians the most, and so when I decided on doing a Sci-Fi Special for Diversion, it was the first thing that leapt to mind. I started writing a story, and finished it only twenty four hours later, doing about six thousand words in the day. That's got to be my largest non-nano day of writing ever, my largest overall was eleven thousand on the first day of nano last year.

The basic premise was that, seven thousand years after discovering life on Earth, the Venusians discover that their planet is doomed. See, discovering other intelligent life in the universe was their ticket into the Universal Society of Advanced Planets, where their first duty is to protect and encourage the inhabitants of earth. But when they started trading with other planets they wasted alot of their resources, and turned most of their land into industry. It's meant that they no longer have enough Hydrogen to breathe, but by the time they work it out it's too late, and they have to evacuate the planet.

Now, one of the last things they do is send a Venusian to earth to meet with humans, hoping this discovery will get earth into the USAP. But since the USAP discovers it was instigated by Venusians, not Humans, they don't allow it. However, the Venusian who goes there, Orthon, after meeting with George Adamski, abducts a woman name Katherine, for he has fallen in love with her. He combines her DNA with his Venusian wife, and has four children with her.

Venusian kids grow quickly to adulthood, so when they evacuate the planet they're already fully grown. But they have some human attatchment to the planet Earth, and decide to travel there and guide them away from making the same mistake Venusians did.

It was interesting, trying to imagine life in their way. In the myths they can teleport, and communicate telepathically, so it was interesting to see how a society with those capabilities would involve. For instance, they all live underground, with no physical access to ground level, because they can just teleport to surface level. Doors, also, do not exist. They still have mouths for eating, and apparently used to speak at some point, because they never lost the capability.

They have advanced genetic science to the point where gender is almost irrelevant - male and female still look quite different to one another, but have more or less the same internal makeup, relying on the same hormones to function etc. Both men and women can have children.

So yes, it's been a lot of fun so far. I was hoping to get it all done in one short story, but I decided in the end to make it a series, probably just of three. I did a sort of Stephen King style work, starting at a certain point and taking down the natural developements as they came to me rather than plotting ahead. It was a lot of fun, and definitely something I'll try again.

I named it "Sister Planets" since thats what Earth and Venus are. It'll be in Diversion #5. Be there, be A4.

working at the pizza joint (woah woah woah woah)

2010-06-13T14:37:00.003+10:00

So last night I had my first shift at my new job, working at the local pizza joint. Overall it was a pretty positive experience, and the great part is that since I never start before 5pm, I'll be able to find a morning job and really rake in some cashola.

First off I had to squeeze the excess water out of a bucket of raw seafood. I get the feeling this is everyone's first job, you know, to test if they're squeamish or not. Some people have issues dealing with raw meat/seafood, but not me, which is weird because I can't stand the thought of eating seafood, cooked or otherwise.

After that there was a lot of washing up of dishes, which is hardly exhilerating but not bad considering I'm getting paid cash money for it. No one pays me for it at home, even though I'm the only one who ever does, mumble mumble grumble grumble.

And finally I got to chop things in the big industrial chopper. It's sort of like a juicer but less concentrated, it has a spinning blade that really cuts things down to size. I used it to deconstruct some mushrooms, onions and green capsicum. I cried during the onions, I'm man enough to admit it.

The best part of the night was undoubtedly the end. I got sent home with $30 for my efforts ($10 ph will go up to $15 when I finish the "training") and a free pizza! Viva life!

Paranormal Experiences

2010-06-11T21:27:00.002+10:00

Terrible, terrible movie. Okay, not that bad. Actually pretty good. Whens it come out on DVD? Anyway not important.

Last night - well, actually early this morning, about 6 AM, I was waking up and resetting my alarm. See, what I do is set my alarm for 6, 6:20, and 6:40, the aim being to wake up at 7. I hate hearing my alarm going off and knowing that I absolutely positively have to wake up right then, I love to wake up a few times in the night and revell in the fact I still have a few hours in which to sleep. And I like to have that slow, langering wake up period in the morning. Still never feel like getting up, though. Trying to work on that.

Anyhow at about six I was in that sort of lucid state where I know where I am and I am semi awake, but everythings a little creepy. Anyhow, I dreamt that there was someone standing behind and to the right of me. At first I thought it was my dad, come to visit me, but that of course makes no sense (six in the morning). I wasn't sure there was actually anyone there, it was very dark, so I started making noises to try and catch them out. I tried to shout but all I cold do was groan "ahhhh... ahhh..." after that I started saying a little less nonsensical stuff.

Anyhow I woke up not thinking anything of it. My roomate turned up at 8:30 after spending the night at her boyfriends (insert stereotypical 'Married-with-Children' "ooooooooooh!" here). When she came in, she complained that the door was open.

The door - which she had closed on her way out the last night - was open. Not by much, just a crack, but it was open.

Now I'm all for a rational explanation here, and personally believe there is one. After all it was roomie and her boyfriend which closed the door last night, and there is a fair chance that either one of them left it open just a little by accident. And I specifically remember that I didn't lock it up, so odds are I didn't even check to make sure the door was completely shut. So it's most likely there wasn't some sort of strange person/spectre watching me as I slept.

But still... freaky coincidence, huh?

Like a Lime and a Coconut

2010-06-09T23:06:00.003+10:00

So after being forced to subsist on Pasta for a few months, my roomate finally said she was sick of it and sugested I make something different. The TV told me Thai Green Chicken Curry, so I made Thai Green Chicken Curry. I looked up a bunch of recipes online, but none of them quite struck me as the right way to go. So in the end I bought a bunch of ingredients and just went with my heart - and whaddaya know, the kitchen DIDN'T explode. I didn't even set off the fire alarm!

There was a voucher in the mail for cheap chicken breasts, so I got those. There was a 2kg max purchase, and well, you know me, can't help myself, so I still have kg in the freezer for all sort of exciting concotions later on.

I fried up onions, garlic and green jalapeno in some homemade garlic oil before adding the chicked. Once it was mostly cooked I tossed in some finely diced buk-choy. I like buk-choy because it adds a little flavour and some good nutrition, but it's not as crunchy as it looks like it will be, in fact, it's barely noticeable. Then some broccolli and green beans, and of course I was adding green curry paste at every interval. After that I stuck in a can of coconut cream and let it simmer a while. Added some lime juice and zest.

Turned out great! The brown rice was maybe a little undercooked, but otherwise bellisimo. Had a mild spice from the jalapeno but nothing too strong. Personally I love some good spiciness but roomate feels otherwise.

I had a can of coconut cream left over, and was curious to see if it could be whipped like regular cream. It can't, or not quite - according to the internet you should keep it in the fridge overnight before it will be truly whippable. Unforuntately I had the cupcakes I was planning to decorate with cream in the oven already - and so many of them are already gone! Oh, dearie me, how did that ever happen?

Oh, right.

So, who reckons I should open up a coconut-themed restaurant? With curries and coconut creamed cupcakes, waitresses in coconut bras, and, I dunno, maybe we'll build the place out of coconuts?

Kevin Rudd DOESN'T like the Chinese

2010-06-07T19:25:00.004+10:00

So I have a few things I want to blog about, but our good friend Kevin Rudd, Prime Minsiter of Australia, decided to make news that I just couldn't ignore.

HE WANTS YOU!

For those not familliar with Kevin Rudd, I will now list his nicknames in no particular order. First of all there's K-Rudd, or Kruddy, and K-Dawg. There's Kevin07 - sort of his campaign slogan, since that's the year he was elected in. His other slogan was "I'm a Nerd." No, I'm being serious, he said it several times. And of course there's "Rowdy Rudd" or "Rowdy Ruddy", borne out of the time during his campaign when the media discovered that once a million years ago he visited a Strip Club. K-Rudd made a huge apology on TV wherein he said alot about being sorry for not being honest about it, and nothing about disrespecting women. Cough, cough. Although it was a bit overdone - I mean, YEARS ago, and totally hyped up. Despite or perhaps because of the bad press, K-Rudd managed to get himself elected, and so now we all have to put up with the strip-happy nerd for 3-4 years.

You might be wondering what I think specifically; the answer is that I don't. Politics is interesting, but I rarely am interested one way or the other. The politcal system doesn't allow much fast change, I mean K-Rudd's been in for three years and hasn't implemented many of his huge plans yet, or solved globe warming. He gave us all $300 bucks, but probably should've saved it for right before this years election.

Anyway, he was at the Copenhagen Climate Change Summit (come on, couldn't they call it a Conference? Then it could just be the 4C) and after doing some negotiations with the Chinese (5C) that were apparently quite strenuous, he came out with this to say.

"Those Chinese f***ers are trying to rat-f*** us!"

Wow. Now, most all of us let loose with the wordplay every now and then when we're particularly frustrated, and trying to talk some sense into the Chinese has got to be damn frustrating, but when you're getting paid... what, $100K? a year, your only job to ensure that you keep getting $100K? a year, well, control.

Of course, just taking this single quote out of context is very unfair. So I feel obligated to mention that this was a really bad day for the Prime Minister, because Opposition Leader Tony Abbot is now ahead of him in the polls, even though he wears budgie smugglers and can't keep his big mouth shut.

So here's the Australian 2010 Election summed up - The Nerd, or Budgie-Smugglers.

Screw this, I'm voting for the Greens.

(That'd make a great T-shirt.)

Oh, and here's the article.

It Lives!

2010-06-06T22:51:00.003+10:00

So there was an oilspill somewhere somewhen a few days ago. Yeah yeah. Look, I know it seems insensitive but there's been oilspills before and there'll be oilspills again. You don't need me to tell you that they suck. But whats the point? The only way to totally get rid of them would be to stop using oil and I doubt we're going to do that any time soon. Expecting people to never spill oil is like me telling you to never again accidentally fall over. I mean, there are probably ways that oil companies could lower the risk of spills, but given all the bad press they must be getting over this I'll be they're doing everything they can.

So yeah.

I just wanted to show you this totally awesome photo. The squeamish may not want to look, it's a bird that's struggling to get out of the oil. Sad stuff, especially if your especially environmentalist, which I know a few of my readers are.

I'm interested in this photo because, to me, when I first looked at it, I thought it was a human being. Does anyone else see the resemblance?

at last!

2010-06-04T21:47:00.003+10:00

After a week of hard reading, I've done the final readthrough on my epic novel, Mark of Xanadris - which has been recently, and temporarily, retitled With a Thunderous Clash. I am SUPER EXHAUSTED, and tomorrow I have to get right to work on the next Diversion, which is already SO BEHIND SCHEDULE.

I love my life.

finish him!

2010-06-02T21:50:00.002+10:00

So I watched the old school Mortal Kombat movie for what must be the tenth time yesterday. I remember loving it as a kid, which really speaks volumes on the kinds of movies my parents were oblivious to me watching (thanks guys!) but after renting it once I could never find it at the video store again, only the lame animate prequel. Well it wasn't that lame but when you hired it thinking it was the one you wanted and it wasnt, three times in a row, it became lame.

Finally I bought the movie a few years ago, along with one of the old tv series. I've seen the sequel but I don't own it, it's not as good and I can only ever find it in a two pack with the first. No, wait. I have found it seperate, but on it's own it's like $20 and it's $10 for a two pack with both. I can't condone spending more than I have to get it, but I can't let myself waste a disc. It's a logical fallacy created by poor pricing, and if I was robot, my head would explode.

There, that's how you know I'm not a robot. Can I please stop doing captchas now?

Anyhow, everytime I watch the movie I think it would make a fantastic remake. For a movie based on a video game and made a million years ago it's not bad, if you psyched it up for today ti would be KAZAAMWOW. Mortal Kombat is still a strong franchise today, and I reckon it would attract a lot of money.

So in that spirit, we're going to enjoy...

HOW JOSH WOULD REMAKE MORTAL KOMBAT

The first step in this is to work out what to keep and what to trim away. As it is, Mortal Kombat has a fairly bare bones story line. There's a few subplots going on, sure, but they're all worthy of remaining there. Johnny Cage taking on Goro is fantastic, but I think maybe Sonya/Kano plotline should go on a bit longer rather than ending in the second fight. Bring in some more of the Black Dragon clan - maybe Kabal, maybe Kobra, definitely Kira. (KKK, I know, right?)

Outside of that the rest is already pretty good the way it is. The trick of course is to pump some more money into, get some decent special effects going. Create a time machine to bring a young Jackie Chan in as Liu Kang, and Owen Wilson as Johnny Cage. Maybe Scarlett Johansson or Christine Taylor as Sonya. Gemma Arterton for Kitana? Either keep it old school with Christopher Lambert as Raiden, or pull in - and yes, I know this is crazy - Nathan Fillion to play the part. Make him look old and he'd do it fantastically. Christopher Walken would make a great Shang Tsung if we could use some sort of magic ray that makes people asian... they sell those at Walmart, yeah?

There are a few great lines, most of them coming from Johnny Cage, that simply must remain in the movie. The relationships between the three main characters are already beautiful, with a lot of friendly joking around that doesn't feel out of place in a serious environment. However, I don't think these friendships should end in simoultaneous romance at the end like they do in the original, it's far too "oh yeah, and that happened."

I'd still be in favour of keeping the whole "He Just Invades Anyway" ending to the movie, since it leaves the door open for a sequel, but change it a little so it isn't such a massive plot hole.

That's it in short, but I think another key thing would be to take away some of the random-people in the movie and replace them with tried and true Mortal Kombat characters. It might also be worth trying to graft some of the newer characters and their plots in - you'd see how the movie was going for length, I guess. Have Shang Tsung or his cronies kill a few of the during the film, and him absorb there souls and use them to good use later on. Change him around so he makes a bit better of a villain. Keep the way he says things like "Flawless Victory" and stuff, but make sure its ACCURATE. A lot of the time in this one he says that even though the loser got a few good kicks in.

Ah, maybe someday, when I'm a rich-billionaire-writer-director-editor-superspy.

bloodline

2010-05-31T21:55:00.004+10:00

So today I finished reading Bloodline by Sindey Sheldon.

Like a lot of his books it has that focus on high-powered women who get into situations where people want to till them. He does it a lot, but he does it well, although I will admit I enjoy the variations where he writes about male characters.

I would probably say this is my favourite Sheldon book so far, although it's got some pretty good rivals. The thing about me and Sidney Sheldon is that after reading his books, I rewrite the endings so that they're better. The endings are really the only parts where he ever lets me down.

Well, that's not true - my main problem with Sheldon is... well, there's two. The first is that he always makes his characters so perfect, they're all intelligent and amazing and ridiculously good looking etc etc. It's tiring after a while. And then he describes other characters as being ugly. It just seems to me that he's being objective over something that is very subjective, I mean I know people can be conventionally attractive but still. He's welcome to write about who he wants to write about, as much as I'm welcome to say his writing might improve if he widened his range a little.

My second is that his novels are occasionally overly concerned with the reproductive act. I know I'm a little conservative at times, though that could rachet up to super-conservative depending on your own perspective, and I happily acknowledge that sex is an essential part of life. I still think that his books focus too much on the sex, and substitute it for a wholer version of love. Again, that's my opinion.

Anyhow, this was still a fantastic book. I loved reading it and I spent this entire afternoon on the couch with it, telling my roomate to shut up about her missing keys which are obviously so less important than finding out the mystery of 'whodunnit!?'. Inspector Felix had his suspicions all along, but the moment the characters began to suspect that same character I knew I was off course. It had a few slight fumbles but altogether it was pretty good, and there were a few moments of absolute glory.

Basically how it happens is that the president of a huge phamaceutical company dies in a mountaineering 'accident', and it's left to his young daughter to step up to the plate. It's always been this companies policy to keep things in family and have the company stock stay private, all the people on the Board of Directors are family members. However all those people want to make the company go public so they can sell up their stock, all for different reasons - one needs to pay off his mistress, one needs to pay the gambling bills of his willful wife, one wants to escape his other wife, and the other... well, it's a surprise. But the young daughter doesn't want to dissapoint her father by letting the company be dissected and controlled by outsiders, even though she's suffering multiple attempts against her life. Which one of her relatives is behind it?

Anyhow, I definitely reccomend it if you don't mind a little bit of sex. And if you like Sidney Sheldon, GO GO GO. It's right up there with his best works like A Naked Face, If Tomorrow Comes and Master of the Game.

9/10

Prince of Persia

2010-05-30T21:40:00.003+10:00

So I went to see the new Prince of Persia movie.

It basically happens like this - an orphan boy named Dastan makes a display of courage in front of the king as he journeys through the streets of the city, and the king adopts him. Years later that same Dastan leads an invasion of a holy city which Perisa believes is providing weapons to it's enemies, and in the process Dastan kills a man and takes from him a super-unwieldly looking dagger.

It's not till later on that Dastan realises this dagger has the power to turn back time, but only one minute. He uses it occasionally to decent effect. Unfortunately he doesn't realise it until sometime after his father has been killed by a robe that starts to burn his skin until he dies. It's... not the greatest random plot device we've ever seen.

Dastan joins forces with Princess Tamina, the guardian of the dagger who wants to retore it to its rightful place and prevent those who would use it for ill purpose from accidentally destroying the entire world through a massive sandstorm. Can Dastan and Tamina's chancy alliance do whatever it needs to do in time to prevent the world's imminent destruction?

No!

But they can turn back time, so it's all right!

(Seriously, that's how the movie ends. Tamina falls off a cliff, and the giant sandstorm is unleashed, but then Dastan turns back time so it didn't happen. It works, but it's a little deus-ex-machina).

The movie isn't bad, the effects are fairly decent and the actors are passable. There are only a few scenes where it really falls flat. The concept of a sandstorm destroying the world is kind of unscary. Dastan's amazing bravery that endears him to the king is also a little lame, which makes the rest of the movie seem unlikely with such a shaky premise.

The really unfortunate thing is that the movie never quite 'pops'. Yeah, you heard me, 'pops'. Theres no point where we're really concerned about the characters, although admittedly a few of them are rather endearing. There's just no 'YES YES YES!', only "yeah, woo."

That being said the movie does have it's highlights. The romance between Dastan and Tamina isn't great, but it's better than the usual 'they just fall in love because it's convenient'. In the end they really get helped along by an arranged marriage. But there is a decent enough reason for them to get together.

Also, two words:

OSTRITCH RACES.

Yeah, you heard me.

OSTRITCH RACES.

So, should you see it? If you're a fan of fantasy/action movies and don't mind a quick-snip plot resolution, then go see it. If you WANT to go see it and check it out anyhow, go see it. If not, wait till it comes out on DVD and rent it. Unless it's definitely not your kind of movie, I'd reccomend giving it a whirl.

7/10.

Diversion

2010-05-25T23:03:00.001+10:00

New issue of Diversion Magazine is up!

I like pizza, I like bagels...

2010-05-24T21:03:00.000+10:00

I like hotdogs, with mustard, and cheese...

Well, no, I don't like mustard.

Anyway.

I made pizza tonight. It's the first time I've ever made pizza without getting storebought bases from the supermarket, instead I used this super easy, super cool recipe I found on the internet.

Basically this
1 Cup Flour
1/2 Cup Yoghurt
Combine.

I know, right? It sounds insane but it works really well, the pizza base was crispy and didn't taste like yoghurt at all. It's kind of like the whole Mayonnaise cookies thing, except not gross. Well, not that gross. Although my pizza tray is pretty big so I had to use a bit more than the proportions listed.

I also made the sauce fresh too - just blitzed some tomatoes and tomato past with my new mini food processor - $16 at Target! - as well as some basil, pepper, and a little curry powder.

As for the pizza itself I had cheese with grated carrot and zucchinni mixed in, kabana, bacon and mushrooms.

Neat-o!

Open Letter

2010-05-10T17:06:00.001+10:00

Dear "5" Gum,

You have four flavours.

You have twelves peices of gum in each packet.

WHY THE HELL ARE YOU CALLED '5'?!?!?!1!

Sincerely,
Joshua Elliott.

did you know?

2010-05-06T22:07:00.001+10:00

Did You Know?

The most popular item at Woolworth's supermarkets is.... Bananas!

hardcore

2010-05-05T20:21:00.003+10:00

So, you've probably noticed that what little content in my blog lately has been focused on my reviews of various entertainment media. Well, not much going on, or not much exciting - I've been looking around for a job and that's not exactly exciting to the outside world.

But now that's over!

I've got a job at a place called TrojanStone - I'm a little annoyed they have a greek helmet as the emblem, but I didn't say anything - that makes pavers and sleepers for decorating gardens. Cool stuff, huh? It's not exactly mentally stimulating, but it's alright to pass the time and get money with. The work is hard, but that's a good thing - hard work is cathartic to me.

My arms sure are sore though. It's all I can do to type this blogpost. So long as I can lift and carry things tomorrow I'll be fine. Mostly what the job entails is cleaning the molds, though, which is fairly easy, so long as you keep at it and do it fast. The important thing is to keep them really dry though - and I mean Death Valley dry - otherwise the pavers get bright orange stains. And, well, I'd probably use that cause it sounds funkadellic, but not many.

So after two days I'm officially 'IN' the gang. Hooray!

life

2010-05-03T19:10:00.002+10:00

"Oh. My. God!
There's a SPIRAL in the PENNE!"

~Me, Circa Tonight.

I live a strange life.

everbody loves

2010-05-01T17:32:00.002+10:00

FOOTBALL.

(I went to it.)

I know I said I'd contain my rants about sports to my other sports blog - and I will - but seeing as I actually phsically went to this game I think it merits special attention. I'm not going to talk much about the game itself - North Melbourne won by 26 points, but the margin was as high as 38 - but I thought I'd give those not in the know a little dictionary of classic crowd roars.

boo. The old standard for a negative approach. Even though this one is normally associated with surprise, never in history has a player looked up and said "woah! didn't see y'all there!"

did'n wan' it! Suggesting that the player was uninterested in holding the ball, and fumbled it on purpose. Doesn't happen very often, though a few teams have been accused of throwing a game in order to get better draft picks.

wrong side! Said when the team is kicking the ball backwards, suggesting they've lost track of which side they should be kicking too. Happens far less frequently than one would assume based on the amount of times and volume at which people shout this.

captialize on it! That's an awfully big word for your average football supporter.

well done! Said with the full belief that the players can hear you.

give it to Wells! or to the left! the left! ditto above.

play safer! might have misheard this, might have been 'we're not playing soccer'. If the former I applaud the person who said so, if the latter, they have obviously gotten their direction mixed up at some point and realised they're in the wrong stadium.

whoooooooooooo. (sarcastically) The mating call of the dissapointed Melbourne supporter.

c'mon, ya clowns! The worst insult in the game. When you think about it, it is quite demeaning to liken a professional football team's performance to that of a troupe of clowns.

Twilight

2010-04-26T13:04:00.003+10:00

So I got suckered in to watching the Twilight movie last night. I went to a party where a girl, who owned five copies of the movie (how many copies can you possibly need?) insisted on lending me one.

It wasn't entirely terrible, there were even hints of a good plot in there somewhere. The problem is that the movie sets up the romance between Bella and Edward as the focal point, but their "love" falls flat on its face. The two characters are thin and boring, and seem to find "unconditional, irrevocable love" based on a few incredibly awkward and hideously boring conversations.

I think if the movie had been centred more around an adventure plot, with larger roles from the supporting characters, and, you know, better main characters and better people playing them, it would probably have been quite enjoyable. The enemy vampires all look pretty cool, a bit of substance would've made them brilliant.

I've also got to remonstrate with the rest of the internet on the portrayal of vampires. The whole 'sparkling' thing doesn't bother me as much as others, but it does seem unnecessary. Maybe it's better in the book. What bothers me more is how super-human they are. I mean as if surviving on the blood of the living wasn't enough, they also have super strength. And super speed. And super paleness. And can mind read. And see the future. I mean, come on. It's like Edward tells Bella "Do you really think you could outrun me? Or fight me off?" No, she couldn't, so why are you spending half the movie trying to convince her to hide from you?

I mean come on, if they're that pale, wouldn't they wear make up or something so they blend in better?

But, like I said, it wasn't entirely terrible. There was the bones of a decent film in there, and done differently, it could have been masterful. But it wasn't, so it isn't.

3/10.

ANZAC

2010-04-25T11:19:00.002+10:00

Well, as part of my oh-so-lazy efforts to bring Australian culture to the uneducated masses, I'm here today to tell you all about ANZAC day.

ANZAC day commemorates originally the soliders who fought in the Gallipoli campaign during the first world war, but was expanded after the second world war to be in the memory of all Australian & New Zealand soldiers, and is now observed in many areas of the Phillipines including the Cook Islands, Niue, Samoa and Tonga.

ANZAC stands for Australian & New Zealand Army Corps. It was formed in 1915 under a plan from Winston Churchill to make a fast attack on the Ottoman Empire and capture Istanbul, thus clearing the Black Sea for the Allies. Didn't turn out so well. The ANZAC's met fierce resistance landing on the beach at Gallipoli, and before the campaign was over more than 10,000 men had died.

Even though it was an ultimately unsuccesful action, the legacy and legend of the ANZAC's remains perhaps the most important element of Australian Culture, despite recent controversy, mostly related to Australia's on going debate on whether or not to become a republic. Every year all over the country there are hundreds of parades and ceremonies to commemorate the occasion.

Two interesting phenomenon have come from ANZAC day - the traditional ANZAC day clash between Essendon and Collingwood at the MCG, dating back to 1995 (okay, so that isn't so long ago). Secondly, everyone's favourite ANZAC biscuits. They were originally sent by wives and mothers to soldiers because they do not spoil easily and keep well. They're typicall made of rolled oats, golden syrup, flour, coconut, sugar, sodi-bicarb and boiling water.

Well, that's all, folks. Hope you learned something, I'm gunna go watch the football.

The Stand

2010-04-23T11:37:00.002+10:00

So I just finished reading The Stand by Stephen King for the second time, the "Complete & Uncut" Edition (I've never read the original). Weighing in at 1420 pages it's probably the longest book I've ever read and I still love it and would reccomend it to any fans of simillar literature.

In summary: 99.4% of the human race is killed by a sudden and incurable plague that was created and accidentally unleashed by the US government. Many more die in the aftermath as the world goes into anarchic chaos. The survivors (in the US) begin having two conflicting dreams, one of sweet old black woman in Nebraska and the other of a 'Dark Man' in Las Vegas. They split themselves between the two and soon the two groups are at odds.

Of course theres a lot more to it than that, but what really shines through in this book is the excellent characterisation. The characters feel more real than in any other book I've read, probably because each of the mains gets about a hundred or more pages developing them. The only unfortunate side of this is that when characters die, and since this is a post apocolyptic epic novel many of them do, you feel REALLY REALLY SAD. Yet more proof of writing excellence, but still... REALLY REALLY SAD.

Theres only a few little twitches I get with The Stand. Mostly its the long chapters - some are as long as 60 pages, which just seems right out to me. Also, the "Complete & Uncut" edition, as well as including a lot of text that was cut to make the original shorter, was updated so the story takes place in the 90's instead of the 80's. Call me crazy but that just bugs me, since while it doesn't change the story much, it just throws the whole thing out of whack. Also, the ending bugs me because it breaks a lot of the rules about genetics (a woman with the immunity had a kid with someone who wasnt immune so the child was "half immune" and able to fight of the disease. If its possible to pass the immunity down, then why aren't any of the immunes parents still alive?)

Finally theres the little problem that bugs me with a lot of Stephen King novels, is that he finishes up with little word as to what happens to the characters afterwards, when we all really want to know. I understand the value of a "leave it to your imagination" ending but I still don't like it. It particularly annoyed me with Under the Dome. I mean, what happened to those few people who escaped? All I can see is most of them going through horrible PTS-Syndrome and either becoming drug addicts or suicidal. I mean, you cant tell me Dale Barbara and Julia Shumway are going to settle down in the suburbs and have 17 children.

All in all though, fantastic book. Buy it and read it if you don't mind a little gore and graphic nature.

9/10.

Diversion Magazine #3!

2010-04-17T23:10:00.004+10:00

GET IT WHILE IT'S HOT!
(and win a prize!)

(The above is a link, if it's not obvious.)

i love my life

2010-04-11T21:23:00.003+10:00

What a day! I got up at nine and started preparing to get all my stuff out - cleaning the fridge etc. By the time I was done Dad arrived and we got everything packed up super quick. Now Im just chilling here for a few more days, sleeping on the floor. I'm doing some baking, and I just got eight out of eight in the footy tips. Go Roos!

I saw Clash of the Titans last friday, and How To Train Your Dragon the week before. If you're going to the movies, pick the latter. Clash is not bad, but dissapointing especially given the awesome trailer. On the other hand, Dragon is well done in almost every aspect.

Cheerio!

purple night

2010-04-08T22:18:00.002+10:00

The sky is a light purple, like sun faded cloth, and almost starless. Two pylons of cloud erupt into it like the twin heads of a firebreathing, draconic janiceps. I am inside, waiting for my cupcakes to cool, so I may decorate them - five different kinds of icing, five different kinds of sprinkles.

All is well.

Round Up

2010-04-07T20:25:00.005+10:00

So rather than further contaminate this blog with ranting about football, I've started a whole new blog about that for those who care to read it. You can check it out at Soultrain's Round Up.

...

What?

You want some actual content here?

Fine.

A snippet of burger-room conversation.

J - Steve, you don't like Twenty20 Cricket?
S - Nah. I prefer Test Matches or One Day-ers.
M - Bah. They're long and boring.
S - You're long and boring.
J - No, he's just boring.

Hee hee. It's funny because Masum (AKA "M") is short. Not very short, but shorter than me, and thats rare enought that I like to make special mention of it.

April

2010-04-05T20:48:00.004+10:00

So, it's April now. Has been for some time. Its going to be quite a month for me. Why? Well, find out.

It's the month I hope to finish editing. In fact, I'm hoping I'll finish in two or three days. The next month I plan on rewriting several sections of it... heh. I thought when I made all the changes I'd be done but I keep seeing things and going "this could be better" or "this is out of character" or "not bad, but WHAT IF" - ah, WHAT IF, the best part of being a writer. You think, hey, maybe, and then Bam! It becoms a major plot point.

Script Frenzy. I'm taking it easy by rewriting some novels into scripts instead of making my own, thought I'm not starting until I finish the editing. The first planned is Sidney Sheldon's If Tomorrow Comes, followed by Master of the Game by the same. If I get both of them done, I might try something by David Eddings. I'd kill to see movies of the Elenium and the Tamuli.

I'm moving. The lease on my place is running out and I don't want to stay here another year. Well, it's not that I don't want to stay here, its that there are other places I want to go. After all, I've already lived this life, and lived it well, now I'm going to try a different one. Where? Which? How? When?

And Why?

Diversion is behind schedule thanks to THE EVIL ONE, so I've got to do a bit of work on it this month to make sure things turn out alright. I think we might have a bit of luck since most of these submissions are ready to rock roll and rumble, I'm just going to need a bit of help from you all when the time comes... but I'll tell you when it happens.

Now between these things I'd be in for pretty much an awesome month, the only problem is that whole must-work-to-buy-food-and-thus-continue-that-whole-"breathing"-thing.

my indentity

2010-04-04T16:54:00.002+10:00

Last post was an APRIL FOOLS POST.

Just to clear it up.

At work, I like to make fake name tags. My bosses sigh and shake their heads, but I think its actually a smart business ploy. It generates conversation between the customers and I, makes the store a little more unique, and humourous. Anyhow, here's what I've done so far.

SURF KING

(cookie for the reference!)

YAO, KING OF THE ROCK

(same)

HOT STUFF

BOND.
JAMES BOND.

the day

2010-04-01T22:27:00.003+11:00

A new day dawns with promise
People are
Really wrong
If they think that.
Lost my job today.

For even if only in slight mistake
Or failure
Or unfortunate circumstance, I
Lost my job today.
Stuff.

Troubadour Reunion

2010-03-31T21:32:00.007+11:00

Due to my recent epidemic of being-without-laptop, I'm afraid several posts have started with "So a few days ago..." this is going to be a post of that category.

Last friday night I went to see James Taylor and Carole King perform their travelling show, Troubadour Reunion at Melbourne's Rod Laver Arena (you know your big when your concerts at a tennis stadium.)

When you get right down to it, words kinda fail to describe how awesomely exciting this was. Of course, even in a crowd of thousands of people I was probably the youngest, or the youngest unescorted. Which I'm always proud of.

James Taylor was and still is my favourite solo artist. I loved his music as a kid and love it now, but I prepared myself, knowing that he's had a much larger career than I've experienced and thus would probably not play many of my favourite songs. Wow, was I wrong. I think the only one in my top five that didn't make it was Belfast to Boston.

Only the third song was Machine Gun Kelly, one of my favourites from Mud Slide Slim. Best of all it was played by his friend and former partner in music Danny Kortchmar. Of course, what the CD doesn't include is Danny's brilliant work on the electric guitar - it took an already fantastic song and brought it to new heights of excellence.

Its obvious how much the crowd loved the show. In the end everyoneing, was standing up and swaying and clapping and singing along. More importantly, they could have said or sung anything we would've cheered anyway, they'd just won us over that easy. One time James just said "...I never know what to say," then launched in the next song. When they returned for the second set, there was a note someone had left on the stage. It said "Say Hi Lily". James read the otherside and said, "Oh, that's not nice." Carole asked what it said and he said he'd tell her later.

Country Road as well as Fire and Rain also made appearances, but when we got around to Sweet Baby James, my favourite song as I was a kid, I was thinking to myself "It doesn't get better than this."

I was wrong, Carole King followed that up with Jazzman. I hadn't appreciated a lot of her music before but damn she had some brilliant ones. Do the Locomotion and especially You Make Me Feel (her on-stage antics with Danny were brilliant!) brought the house down. Its obvious that her and James are very comfortable together, too. And considering their both getting on in years, damn does she have a lot of energy! She was running around and dancing and jumping, it was fantastic.

Show kept getting better and better, and the back up singers and other band members were fantastic in their own right, I wish I could remember all their names. Needless to say I am avidly awating the DVD and CD releases, the only down side is that those will probably be of another concert. I just want to see THIS one again.

So, that was my friday night. I saw my favourite singer of all time preform live (he has such a funny lookin' face! It's awesome!), and discovered a whole new range of singers I like.

Top that.

round one round up

2010-03-29T21:29:00.004+11:00

There are only a few times of the year where I become a sports nut, and specifically they are the AFL finals series and the Australian Open. Of course, since I'm living in Melbourne it's hard not to get caught up in the swing of it all, and until I grow too bored of it to continue, I'm going to give a weekly rant about the football.

So, this week was the first round of the new season - ah, the beauty, ah, the freshness. If you want to learn a bit about AFL check it out at http://www.afl.com.au/ or go to wikipedia.

The first match of the year was played on Thursday night. The Carlton Blues took down Richmond Tigers with what was to be the first of three 56-point defeats this round. People were quick to praise Carlton's amazing turn around and ability to do without Brendan Fevola, but seem to have forgotten that both teams finished in the bottom four last year. They'll shut their mouths when the boys in blue get caned by Brisbane next week, more than likely.

On friday, reigning premiers the Geelong Cats handed the Essendon Bombers a defeat of more than five goals. Essendon might have better luck playing Freemantle next week at Etihad stadium, since the Dockers seem to be incapable of remembering which side of the field is which when they're away from home.

The Melbourne Demon's cemented their position as perennial wooden-spooners with an emphatic 56 point loss to the Hawthorn Hawks. The loss sent Melbourne straight to the bottom of the ladder, and, lets face it, they might as well start picking outt drapes. On the plus side, if they win a few more wooden spoons all they'll need is some mixing bowls and they can open a bakery. The Hawks rose as premiership possibilities, but face the top cats Geelong next week. If they can take them down they'll emerge as real hope for the flag, but if they lose, they'll fade back into obscurity.

Flag Favourites St. Kilda only just manage to hold of Sydney in an eight point victory at the SCG. They'll probably have more luck next week when they take on North Melbourne, though, being a North Melbourne supporter, I sure as hell hope not. The swans will travel to Adelaide to take on the Sydney Swans in a battle of the birds.

The Brisbane Lions managed to topple the visiting West Coast Eagles by 32 points after a comeback in the second half. The home and winning team were surpisingly only ahead for a third of the game, but as well all know, it's the last second that counts. The lions have a good chance at making it into the finals this year, perhaps even the top four if the combination of Fevola and Brown works as well as hoped - that might be going a bit far, though. The Eagles are hoping for a bit more luck next week when they face Port Adelaide Power at Subiaco - and who knows, they just might find it.

Port Adelaide gave a valiant attempt to snatch defeat from the jaws of certain victory against the North Melboure Kangaroos at AAMI Stadium, but held on just long enough to win by twelve points despite an eight-goal second half by the Roos. Neither team has good prospects for next week, but a man can dream.

Collingwood pulled of an upset, downing third-ranked premiership possibility Western Bulldogs by a stunning six goals. The Bulldogs, the only team from last years top four not to win their Round One match, simply couldn't gain a foothold as Collingwood booted their way to victory. The Doggies will likely get some confidence back next week when they face Richmond, and Collingwood could well be headed straight to the top - their opponents next week are the Melbourne Demons, and, well, doesn't that say it all?

(I'm making a lot of fun of the Demons. I actually quite like them, and their anthem is my favourite. They just DONT WIN.)

The final match carried well into the night. Adelaide took an early lead agaisnt Freemantle, and at the end of the first quater it looked like were headed for a nailbiter. That was before Freo kicked seven goals in the second quater to jump out to a 36 point lead. Adelaide tried to fight back, and their efforts were rewarded with an even more thorough caning - the final score put Freemantle at 56 points in the clear. Adelaide was actually tipped to win this game, but as those of us who speak Footballese know, Freo at Subi? = Sure thing.

Things to think about:
- St. Kilda manage to kick nine goals in their first half with no behinds. If they can keep up this straight kicking, it will serve them well in the finals. Straight kicking is the key to victory in the Game of Games, in more than a centuries worth of grand finals, only one team has ever won whilst kicking fewer goals than the other.
- Hawthorn faces a make or brea k clash with Geelong this week. Even if they win by a fluk the, the simple confidence gained could propell them to further victory, and thoroughly dishearten Geelong.
- Collingwood's upset of the Dogs this week makes them a more viable choice for Flag Glory. The Western Bulldogs may have faded from their high expectancies. Only time will tell, since both teams face easy opponents in Round Two, and we wont know their true form till they face some stiffer competition.

Hee, that was fun. I think I need to learn a few more metaphors, though.

Whew!

2010-03-28T20:50:00.002+11:00

So after painstaking effort, I finally have a laptop that works and connects to the internet. Praise be unto God. It's not without it's problems, though, but I'll live.

Expect a return to your regularly scheduled programming tomorrow.

blergh

2010-03-20T18:24:00.001+11:00

So I spent most of the day going all over cities looking at laptops.

Of course, the best deal was the first one I laid eyes upon in the first store, ever.

I called back to ask them to hold it for me and they'd just sold the last one.

Blergh.

the tall prosper

2010-03-17T18:31:00.003+11:00

The World's Shortest Man, standing only seventy five centimetres tall, died today. This is sad. But it's clear that some bored journalist was, well, bored, and decided to see if he could get away with something, because the last line of the article read:

"His succesor as World's Shortest Man will be announced shortly."

Sigh.

In other news, my laptop is totalled and every moment without his leaves my roomated writhing on the floor, suffering withdrawals.

Oh, I didn't really mean that, shut up.

You'll hear from me again when it's been fixed - arent you just STOKED?

Editing 2: Attack of the Typos

2010-03-15T20:30:00.004+11:00

Blergh! I spent all weekend editing and locked away another hundred pages. It really hurt my head. On the plus side though, I'm now slightly more than halfway through and at this pace will pull it in just under my goal of 150K words - tee hee hee!

The more I read this middle section though, the more I think it needs work. On the other hand, I haven't changed much from it since it's original writing, so I cant really tell if it ACTUALLY needs work or if I've just read it too many times. Probably the former, but I'm going to pass it around test-readers before I decide, otherwise I'll drive myself insane.

Moreso.

Work on monday was awful - it was another one of those days when half the people don't turn up, so suddenly Josh is required to be in two places at once.

And stay back a few hours.

For the third time this week.

On the plus side, I'm reaching whole new levels of bonus pay.

Also, after work I did something which SUPER AWESOME FANTASTICO... but more on that later.

EDIT: When I first posted this, it read "Editing 2: Atrtack of the Typos." It was only after changing it that I realised it would've been funnier to leave it in.

at last, the weekend

2010-03-12T22:52:00.003+11:00

Oof! Well, it's been quite a week. Today especially was trying as a lot of machinery was down due to the storms last week, and a staff member didnt turn up. Of course, instead of calling in somone else, the powers that be decided that Josh would just have to become capable of being in two places at once. Blech.

I could not be more ready for it to be the weekend, heh. Soon I will be off to sleep and when I wake up the first thing to do is some raisin toast before I crack into the editing for the day and then... well, who knows where the weekend shall take me? I have many things to get done, most of them involving either Diversion or Mark of Xanadris. If I keep up my editing schedule I should have the latter finished in two weeks, and probably the same time period for Diversion - who knows, we might actually get it out before the last day of the month this time.

Goodnight, everybody!

i love my blog as much as i love you

2010-03-09T17:14:00.004+11:00

A cookie for the reference in the title.

I love this blog. There is no blog quite like it, and if there is, I haven't found it, read it, and killed it's writer yet.

The thing I love most is the tags.

Despite what that crazy girl said,

"You know, the whole point of tagging blogs and then displaying the list of tags on the side is so that you can have categories of posts for easier finding. Having a gazillion tags with only one post in them doesn't exactly make that work. "

this blog still now has 192 tags (before this post).

Work & Writing share the top spot at nine posts each even though this is my fifty-third post. Diversion Magazine, Mark of Xanadris and Editing are both high up, so you can see how I live my life. Travel could be more prominent :/ but it will be, someday.

This blog is probably the only blog in the world to include the following tags : "Tyrannosaurs in London", "My Precious Little Spoons", "LEFTIES ARE THE DEVILS MINIONS", and "Who is the Catgirl?"

I also have labels "This Blog" and "Tags."

How sad (scratch that, AWESOME) is that?

just that good

2010-03-08T18:22:00.003+11:00

So today I recieved four compliments from customers. They were, in order:

"you should get a promotion!"

"this guy is your best employee ever!"

"you're such a beautiful man!"

"you're the best!"

Yeah. In your collective faces.

who is... the catgirl?

2010-03-07T18:34:00.005+11:00

So, I'm probably the only one so inanely bored that I've had time to notice this - and, moreover, am the only person who would care - but I seem to get a lot of 'anonymous' comments on this blog. Most of them are explainable as being one of my mothers (I have four mothers. I'm planning for a fifth.), but a few aren't. More recently, SOMEONE has started posting under the alias "catgirl".

And I want to know who that someone is.

The allusive cat girl first posted this, "gota name for your furry friend atop your cranium?" at 6:15 PM on March 5th.

To answer her question, the cat is named Felina. I haven't seen her in some time, as she resides in Oregon, and it's difficult to maintain a long distance relationship with a cat. I mean, we try, but I just feel like we're drifitng apart... also, she's a cat, and thus can only 'miaouw!'.

That was followed by "more ideally they could say swim perpendicular to the horizontal..." on my post, 'Unfortunate', at 6:19 PM on March 5th.

My response: Buh?

And finally, she retroactively went to my "Drinking a Stein of Tea" post and suggested, a new verse at 7:12PM on March 5. Ahem.

"you can drink it on the mat
while you are sitting with your cat
but if it spills and makes a mess
you could well be under stress
so don't hesitate or bother
just go and make another
grab your mobile, text your brother
come share a stein of tea"

Gah! This is brilliant work! She's even picked up the rhyme scheme!

Needless to say, I'm terrified. I can't sleep at night. Well, I can. I always can. But if there were times when I couldn't, this would be one of them!

Notable thing's here - there are no capital letters used, much the same why I write blog titles. Also, she uses big words, like 'cranium' and 'perpendicular', but is not pretentious or fancy, sticking to a simple 'gota'. Used the phrase "atop cranium", which I use often in writing. She also seems to approve of drinking steins of tea and is musically talented. Whoever the mysterious catgirl is, her and I may in fact be kindred spirits.

I must know who she is, or it will haunt me forever. So I've come up with several theories.

#1: Carol Jean Campbell
Pros: Has left a lot of comments on my blog lately, has the spare time to do this. Fond of cats.
Cons: Probably wouldn't use such big words, and admits to being confused by one of catgirls comments. Also, this is not her MO, and she does not drink tea to my knowledge, from stein's or otherwise.
Prognosis: No.

#2: The Evil One
Pros: Has commented on my blog under multiple names before, is the type who enjoys antagonising me, uses big words.
Cons: Would never use "gota", and is probably too busy to concoct an evil scheme such as this. Is not so endeared to cats she would use them in her alias. Is not the type to indulge in my paranoid fantasies.
Prognosis: No.

#3: Anonymous Mother
Pros: Obviously has nothing better to do that comment on my blog. Fond of cats. Huge dork.
Cons: Not prone to big words, or bad ones like 'gota'. Too busy plotting revolution in Fiji to bother. Is not the type to indulge in my paranoid fantasies.
Prognosis: Damnit! No, again!

#4: The Second Best Friend
Pros: Has been known to go by "Jessicat". Has probably been linked to this blog at somepoint. Uses big words but is not above 'gota'. Is the type who enjoys antagonsing me. Is busy, but a huge procrastinator. Would know about beaches. Is a musical person.
Cons: Is not the type to indulge in my paranoid fantasies. Would probably not bother to read my blog. Would think I was silly for drinking Tea out of Steins. Is allergic to cats.
Prognosis: Possible, but unlikely.

#5: The Girlfriend of #4
Pros: Does not yet know me, and may want to get to know me. Is going as catwoman to Supernova. Is a musical person. Personality traits are probably somewhat simillar to #4. Could've found this blog on facebook.
Cons: Doesn't know who I am?
Prognosis: Prime Suspect. 50/50.

#6: Dun dun dunn... ME!
Pros: Shares much in common with the catgirl. Has been known to exhibit strange behaviour. May, in fact, be suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder.
Cons: I think I'd remember. Also, I'm not a girl.
Prognosis: Unlikely.

The case goes on, but until an answer is found, the question shall for ever haunt me in the night...

WHO.
IS.
...THE CATGIRL?

bacon 'n' butternut

2010-03-07T16:41:00.005+11:00

So I finally got around to using the Butternut Pumpkin my dad gave me last time I visited. Yes, I know, it's been like, three weeks, but those things last... apparently. I chopped it up, then boiled it, mashed it, and made a pasta sauce out of it.

Oh, don't look at me like that.

The amount of pasta I've eaten over the past month due to inability to afford anything else is insane (just like my low, low prices!). Honestly, if there is such a thing as 'pasta poisioning,' then I've caught it, ignored it, and recovered from it so many times that I'm now immune.

I mixed in some herbs. Can't say which ones, they come in a little mixed shaker referred to as "pizza topping". They smell nice, though. Also a little curry powder, and some nutmeg. Oh, and what else? LOTS OF BACON.

Hey, I like bacon.

Haven't tried it yet. Will have some tonight and report back.

In other news, I've now done more than 200 pages of editing - I've cut almost 11,000 words, or 31 pages. All this without actually removing anything from the plot. I am a god. But don't tell the real God I said that. He tends to get titchy about such declarations.

The thing about editing is that when I'm editing, I'm not writing. And I love writing. I need writing. It's like a drug, heck, it IS a drug. So when I come across the chance to re-write a scene, I bounce up and down in joy.

Maybe that's how I pulled my back. All day some muscle in my upper left back has been whining and complaining. It's a pain in the ass as it restricts my ability to react to things with any speed, lest I cause myself incredible pain.

Oh, and since I haven't mentioned it here yet - I realised the second issue of Diversion Magazine some time ago. Read it.

Edit: Hey, this is my fiftieh blogpost! Awesome!

nothing beats the writing life

2010-03-06T22:56:00.005+11:00

I spent seven hours of today locked in my bedroom, editing manuscript - from the moment I got up (which was about noon. Shut up, it's the weekend) until about seven. Later tonight I decided I want juice and realised I was missing ten cents, so I walked all the way down to the other supermarket where juice is cheaper. I wanted JUICE. I still couldn't find any cheap enough so bought the Home Brand Concentrate stuff, which I've never tried before (but we used to get a lot of people buying it, and large quantities of vanilla essence from my old woolies). It's terrible! Well, not terrible, but... I like good juice. My favourite is Emma and Tom's, but it only comes in small bottles and lacks variety.

Did I just make a blog post about juice?

I think I did.

Goodnight everybody!

shortski

2010-03-05T22:26:00.005+11:00

So, I wrote some more short fiction today, inspired by my recent illness and then recovery therefrom.

(Yes, mum, I'm fine).

---

He’s a strange man.

He wears an overcoat that looks half-melted. I’ve never asked why, but I touched it once, brushed against it, and it feels like it’s made of mucous – it’s the right colour. He always wears sunglasses, too, even though I’ve only ever seen him indoors, with the lights turned down. Once they slipped off, and I understood – his eyes are so tired. I guess he doesn’t want people to know. He doesn’t have much hair, and he’s always rubbing his temples. He constantly seems weak, emaciated, and pale, but also… eternal. He’s been showing up sporadically - once every six months, on average? – my whole life, but he always looks exactly the same.

I never expect him to come. I suppose, if I did, he wouldn’t. Because that’s why he comes – not because you don’t expect him, but because you don’t have time to.

“You’ve been keeping busy,” he says to me. “Too busy.”

“Look, it’s not my fault,” I tell him. “I have commitments. I can’t just sit back and let them lie. I have a lot of things I do, I’ve got my fingers in a lot of pies!”

“And when’s the last time you actually ate a pie? Or better yet, made one?”

“I don’t know! January, maybe?”

“Of what year?”

I pale.

“We can do this one of two ways. You can back off, keep to yourself a few days… or…” he pulls a concealed weapon out his overcoat. “We can do it the hard way.”

I gulp.

“Look, I understand. I promise, I… I’ll get ahead of my work; then take a few days off. Rest, relax.”

“Heh,” he says. “I wish I could accept that. Moreover, I wish I could believe you.”

He pulls the trigger.

The next morning I wake up with a sore throat. By noon, my nose is running, and I have a headache. I can’t stop swallowing, even though it hurts – it’s like my throat is itchy. I’ve never been good at ignoring itches.

Goddamit.

It takes me a few days to get over the cold. I have to stay home, and I can’t think enough to do any work. By the end of it, though, I feel better.

“I hope I don’t have to come see you again,” he tells me.

“You won’t,” I promise.

He turns away, and gives a distinctive sigh before walking off. I know what that sigh means.

I wish I could believe.

edit: blast! this thing won't show the "tabs". I don't like the whole line-between-paragraphs thing.

Unfortunate

2010-03-04T17:14:00.003+11:00

There are posters at the train station dedicated to safety at the beach. They read, "When stuck in a Rip Tide... swim Parallel to the beach."

Because, when panic starts, the first thing you're going to recall is the definition of hated geometrical terms.

sick

2010-03-02T12:32:00.004+11:00

Waaa.

(Wow, I'm actually going to get to use that label twice.)

Waaa.

I'm sick. Sicker than I was yesterday, or, maybe, I think. Time is no longer linear. I lay my head back and I can see the future and the past all melded horribly into one.

My nose is akin most to a leaky faucet, but there's no plumber who'll handle the job, mostly because of the unwanted secretions high rating on the disgust-o-meter (8.3).

My head feels like I suffer of encephalitis. I could swear that my cranium itself has swollen, or atleast that my brain is pressuring on it to do so. There's not much room left in there, and, if I may be so egotisitical, wasn't very much to startwith.

My body aches. I stood up before, shortly after calling work to tell them I wouldn't be in, and I was still doubting whether I should have. That stand cured me of any doubts, I tumbled back to my mattress as my stomach and legs lurched out in pain. I feel disembowelled, hollow, empty.

Naaaah.

I'm fine. I just get this way when I'm sick - introspective and morbidly poetic.

I'll be right as rain in a couple of days.

Drinking a Stein of Tea

2010-03-01T13:02:00.003+11:00

So, I'm feeling a mite sick. Sore throat, mild fever. I'll be fine in a day or two. But I've been messing around cause I don't have much going on. So I wrote a song. I like to drink my Tea from a Stein I bought at the Salvo's, which has the Swiss flag on it. That's what this song is about.

February 25-26th, “Stein of Tea”

Interlude
Oh hello there, come right on in
Don’t look closely at the rubbish bin
Won’t you join me in what’s become my thing?
Drinking a stein of tea!

Chorus
Stein of Tea! Stein of Tea!
It’s the only way for tea to be
The Swiss and the English in harmony
Drinking a stein of tea!
Stein of Tea! Stein of Tea!
There’s no better way to be
Than you and me in company
And a stein of tea makes three.

Verse
First put on the kettle, then turn on the stove
Afterwards reach in to your tea treasure trove
Pull out some rooibos or lapsang souchong
Or just some gum leaves, like out of that song
Stick it in the pot and boil it up right
Remember it’s better off too dark than too light
Don’t put it in too much or you’ll be up all night,
Cause you’re drinking a Stein of Tea!

Chorus

Verse
Now when your tea is boiled, and ready to be drunk
Just pull back your stein’s lid with a thin metallic clunk
Now hold your vessel carefully, and pour in the tea
(and if you’re dinking licorice don’t think how it looks like pee)
Stir in some milk and sugar if it’s too your taste
Better not use too much it’ll go straight to your waist
There’s but one thing in this life that makes you a higher caste,
And that’s drinking a stein of tea!

Chorus

Fade out
When you’re finished drinking you might feel a touch sad,
But there’s plenty more teas and more steins to be had.
So when I come around, my dear old jolly lad,
We’ll be drinking a stein of tea.

I have a strange obsession with lobsters

2010-02-24T16:54:00.004+11:00

Okay, I don't. But it made you look twice, didn't it?

So yesterday I realised my shirt needed a wash, so I took it out of my bag and put it in my laundry basket when I got home. Unfortunately, I didn't put a new one in, and didn't remember to this morning, either (I don't remember ANYTHING in the morning, that's why I pack my bag the night before). So, I get to work and realise I don't have a shirt. Luckily, we always keep a few shirts spare, because we're a totally organised store and nothing ever goes wrong.

Snort.

Sorry.

So, yes, there's one spare shirt. Saved by the bell, right? Wrong. Wanna know why? Here's why.

IT'S A GIRL'S SHIRT.

I massaged my temples, I brough this upon myself after all. So I suit up and head out to work. The first thing I notice - the buttons are on backwards. Now, either all girls are left handed (LEFITES ARE THE DEVILS MINIONS!) or (far more likely) they did it so it's easier to tell girls shirts from guys shirts. I mean, there's tailoring differences, but they aren't notable till after you put one on.

The second thing I notice?

It makes me look like a girl! Seriously! I looked like I was wearing a push-up bra (oh, that's going to be fun to tag). I'll never question girls wanting to wear men's clothes again - I could just feel the shirt trying to push my body into this predefined state, like in all those feminist movies, and I didn't like it.

Weird thing, by the end of the day I was completely used to it. I'll put on a mans shirt tomorrow and be all out of kilter. I won't have any kilter left, sergeant! I guess this crosses off my "get in touch with feminine side" resolution, though.

Two other neat things that happened: I said "Ahh! My precious little spoons!" (best left out of context), and found a ten dollar note with "GO PIES 1990" written along the edge.

felix zen

2010-02-23T18:50:00.002+11:00

Felix Zen: No matter how many times you check your bank account, it won't go up.

what a day

2010-02-23T18:02:00.000+11:00

So yesterday (yes, you can read the blog title. good for you. I'll get to today later) I left my book on the train.

Waaa.

I mean, I have other books. I have a lot of other books. I've even read this book before. But this is one of my favourite books - The Naked Face, by Sidney Sheldon. Brilliant story. I love the way it's written through a psychoanalyst's perspective, makes it tres interesting, especially in a murder mystery. I'd tell you more, but I don't want to ruin it for you, I'll just tell you the ending is very "chipper."

(A guy is fed through a wood chipper.)

(I'm sorry.)

As for today... what can I say? It was an odd day.

I had a drive through customer whose customary (heh) greeting was to bare his teeth at me like a raging animal. I squealed (quiet, Layli) then realised this was his form of smiling. I had to turn away, otherwise I'd either burst into laughter or cry. Probably both, one till the other.

I did some more editing today. I'm finally making the changes. It's fun.

My body has been rather sore all day. It's a bit of a story, but a few days ago on the weekends I was in a bit of a funk.

No, not like that. Unfortunately.

Slightly more accurate.

So I blasted my weights like bad and now I can barely move. On the plus side, my muscles are still swollen so I look not half bad... well, arms wise. Unfortunately since the weird way my guts stick out I also look super-bloated. Hoorah :p

Well,

toodle-oo.

edit: No matter how hard I try, I can't get that second picture to centre. I'll try to fix it tomorrow.

edit the second: "blasted my weights like bad". My english teachers have failed.

edit the third: Believe it or not, but this is the first time I have ever breached the limit for character-count in labels. I chucked out "writing" so the rest would fit, I suppose editing will cover it since there wasn't much actually writing involved.

reading

2010-02-21T17:38:00.000+11:00

So one of my resolutions I made this year was to read fifty two books this year, AKA one book a week. Back in the day this would've been cutting down for me, but now with all my other projects - most notably writing my own books and making my magazine - I've slackened off, and I hate that.

I'm behind so far, but I'm figuring I will catch up when I take time off later this year. I've only read five books so far: one is my own, a bit of a cheat, but I'm willing to count it myself. One was written by a friend. The others were Pirate Latitudes by Michael Crichton and Under the Dome by Stephen King, both of which I bought around christmas time.

I enjoyed Pirate Latitudes, but it annoys me that it was published posthumously, obviously without Crichton's permission. If it had been slated for production, sure, but it was not, it was found by his assistant on his laptop. In the end it seems more like money grubbing on publishers behalf. It's a good book, but not great, and I have a feeling that's why Crichton did not publish it - he has a habit of only publishing the best of the best, and I would not be surprised to find he has written several novels he decided were not good enough to publish. Steven Speilberg even wants to make it into a movie - it won't be bad, but there are many better choices. It simply annoys me, more than anything else, that some atleast will remember Crichton for this instead of the far better works which he chose.

Under the Dome was a spectacular novel - anyone is apt to get worried about King when goes two years without publishing a novel, but it was well worth the wait. Basically, an impenetrable dome inexplicably settles in over a small Maine town (sound familliar? it's not Castle Rock, though. that town has suffered enough, apparently). This would be bad under normal circumstances, but its made catastrophic by the nature of the individuals contained therein. It goes on for about nine hundred pages but at no point becomes boring, and the diverses population (cant call them a cast, too many) are realer than people you meet on the street. My only gripe would be with the ending - theres a point where the novel stops becoming unpredictable and, whilst still cataclysmic, is more or less what you'd expect to happen, even if what you expected is still awesome.

The final book in my quintet of as-yet-reads is much less recent - I just got it from the library today and read it on the home, since C. S. Lewis' A Grief Observed only weighs in at sixty-four pages (and the font is of a reasonable size, too). I read it because I'm studying a bit up on grief for a writing project - it's certainly a better alternative to, say, killing a sweetheart so I can understand. But the book is tres depressing, and now I don't want anyone to die, ever.

That doesn't mix well with my novels.

a new low

2010-02-20T22:26:00.000+11:00

So once again (see I'm doing it still?) media in general hits a new low. It's a long story, full of treacherous horror... well, actually, no. But I'll start a few days before.

I'm visiting my dad, everyone else has gone to bed because it's getting late and my dad is a pretty busy guy (he's the CEO of an aged care company), so he has a busy weekend and has to be up early. I set a goal for the editing I wanted to get done and sat around all day, so I had to stay up for it. I watched the cricket till it ended (we won) and then the Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics coverage with Eddie McGuire started up.

I saw Eddie's face and thought to myself, I sense a disturbance in the force.

Oh, but before that - the program was called Vancouver Gold. One of these days there's going to be a town hosting the Olympics named Oscar, and I'm going to laugh my not inconsiderable behind right off.

Anyhow. I could help but notice old Ed was giving a rather lackadiscal coverage of the Olympics. He's not exactly charismatic to start with, but he seems to always be negative. But, hey, I don't mind. I'll live. I don't even watch TV, so it's no problem to me.

Anyway, I head back here and I see a few days later that he's managed to make some trouble by himself by insinuating that the male ice skaters were gay. First his reporting buddy Mick Molloy said something along the lines of them not leaving anything in the locker room, then Eddie suggested they don't leave anything in the closet either.

Now first of all - Mick Molloy? On the news? Now, as terribly awful as this is, I do look forward to Judith Lucy showing up at some point later on. But... I love Molloy in his movies, but being a sports reporter?

Second of all, while Eddie made a stupid call, what actually annoys me is how we all blow it out of proportion. Every media outlet in the world is calling him some evil discriminatory bastard, but here's the killer: Insinuating that someone is gay is only an insult if you consider being gay to be a bad thing. I still don't think it's the kind of thing to go joking about on media, maybe we could talk about, um, the skating?

Anyhow. I'd be demeaning myself if I made a post that was actually about this. Because I don't care. It's a man making a stupid comment, who cares. He refuses to apologise, not a smart move. He doesn't think he did wrong. He didn't, but he didn't do right either. "I apologise for any offence accidentally taken by my comment." It's not admitting wrong, but it's an apology. It works. But that's not what I'm here for. What I'm here is to give you this whole case so you can make up your opinions on it, and then have them entirely flipped around by the introduction of this brand new element.

This is the specific guy Eddie was talking about. Now, I'm not the sort of person who says "you share characteristic assosciated with gayness - you must be gay!" Eddie actually said something later on that went roughly like this "He's great, he's sending these mixed signals, like he's gay, he's not gay, then he comes out dancing to Lady Gaga music."

In the words of the great John Becker, Eddie, "If you close your mouth it keeps the words from falling out like that."

...I have to show the picture again. It just makes me laugh.

they call me editor

2010-02-19T23:50:00.000+11:00

So last night I finally finished editing my book. Except I haven't, really. I've printed out the hardcopy, all six hundred and seventy six pages of it, and read through it, making changes where I see fit. I've been through five pens (two of them the four-colour pens which makes eleven in total) and I finally finished it off last night in bed whilst listening to oddly appropriate tracks from the Pirates of the Caribbean.

The novel, when finished, came out at 180K words.

That is, as we say in the business, "a lot".

So I needed to trim it down. Heck, halving it would be better but that would ruin it. It's a complex story, if I cut events I'd have to rework everything else. Instead, I had to go through a trim the fat, as it were. I've never fully realised how much of my words are unnecessary before. The goal, ultimately, was to get it down to 150K - cutting roughly 20%. The way I saw it, for every word I cut, I could keep four.

I started on Christmas Eve, I finished yesterday (Feb 18). That's almost two months of editing, 57 days to be precise. A little over ten pages a day. I would've gotten through it faster, but, you know, I have a full time job and run a magazine. Even if I increased it to about twenty five pages day, which is about as much as I can really handle before I get a headache that could take down... some guy whose really good at beating headaches... I still would take a month to slay the behemoth.

Anyhow! I think I came extremely close to my intended goal of cutting twenty percent, obviously I need to go through and make the changes on my document before I can tell for certain. But I managed to cut one word in five most of the time and on occasion eliminated whole scenes when nothing happened in them (or nothing that couldn't be squeezed into another one). I'd say I'm close enough, within a few thousand words of either side, that it wont make a huge difference. After this I'm going to send it to family and friends for them to review, then go through it again and possibly a third time before trying some publishers.

So now to what I actually intended to talk about: the meat of what I cut. Perhaps the most glaring word was "suddenly", which word tells me occurs 247 times in the first draft. I can proudly say that when I check it on the second, it'll be below ten. The only ones I've kept in are when "suddenly" is actually appropriate or gives strength to the events around it. Before it was more like people would've have been surprised if the characters had actually suspected something for once.

I also took out a lot of tautologies - well, the second halves anyway. "She was pregnant, and going to have a baby." I mean, okay, she could have been going to have a stingray (cookie for the reference. Seriously, this is Penn Station's first competition, if you get this reference, leave a comment, email me your address, and I will mail you a cookie. And it'll be D-Licious.) but I find that a tad unlikely.

Outside of that? Excessive description. "He had a long, hard, dark face" becomes "he had a long face". If he show up again, maybe you can describe his face as being hard THEN, if not, don't bother, he's not important enough to warrant that much description. There were also a lot of those extra words that hang about. Though, had, been, was, etc - it makes the prose snappier, more real (I hope). Also, being a world-class rambler, I cut out a lot of conjuctions and made them into two sentences. Now I have substantially less sentences that take up whole, long paragraphs (but still a few).

Heh. This is one of my favourite of such -

"As others caught on or received their orders, as well as the endar who practised magic and even Flendon in the eastern woods, the amount of beasts atop the walls began to multiply with stunning rapidity as not only dragons, but serpents, minotaurs, chimeras, and one giant squid who was apparently amphibious launched their monstrous attack upon Therun and its occupants."

Oh come on, you know you laughed.

So editing was no doubt beneficial, even if I add some of it back in. I'm curious, though thankfully not nervous, to see what it comes out at in the end - 150K, higher or lower? Taking all bets.

Battle of the Zeuses

2010-02-17T20:46:00.000+11:00

Yes, 'Zueses' is plural for Zues.

Oh, don;'t look at me like that.

So I got to thinking that there's two movies coming out fairly soon that include Greek Myths. The first is Percy Jackson and the Lightning Theif, based on the first of the bestselling YA novels by Rick Riordan. I think it may already be out, actually. I doubt I'll see it, mainly because YA stories (typically) bore me. Their short, simple, and occasionally angsty... I'm more totally awesome characters using their loveable traits and excellent skills to blast their way through a complex and detailed plot, which tres rarely happens in YA (notable exception - Harry Potter). The second is Clash of Titans, a remake of a much older movie that tells the tale of Perseus and the like.

So, naturally you need actors to play the gods involved. And both of these movies are pretty big news with decent budgets, so they've been able to hire good, well known actors, instead of pulling some random numbskull out of the local club like they did for Dracula in Blade Trinity. And I figured I'd do a vis-a-vis on the actors who will be playing Zeus in the respective films.

Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief - Sean Bean

I'm pretty sure this one is him as Zeus, but I could be wrong.

Sean Bean. Perhaps his best known role is as Boromir in Fellowship of the Ring, but he's not without his other merits - he played Nicholas Cage's nemesis in the first National Treasure, was in a Goldeneye, and played the dad no one liked in Silent Hill. He also voiced a characters in Elder Scrolls IV and is the recipient of our "Most Unfortunate Name" award. But how will he fare as Zeus?

Well, look at him. He's made of coolness and manliness. But Zeus? Where's the long, graying hair? The lighning bolts? The turning into a cow and picking up chicks, which he probably doesn't do much any more in the twenty first century?

Personally, I'd take a stab and say Beanie, as he is known, will probably do a right fair job in this, but will be forgotten against a cavalcade of boredom that I highly suspect will ensue from Percy and his gang. I mean, he mysteriously discovers his best friend is a satyr and his teacher a centaur... what, did he never look below waist height?

Clash of Titans - Liam Neeson

His armour is made of shiny.

I'll never forget being in the cinema when I saw the first Clash of Titans trailer. I don't know the term for words that flash across a screen during a trailer (other than the title) but this one was TITANS. WILL. CLASH. Well, you don't say! See, I was a little confused by the title as to whether or not Titans were going to Clash, but this, this has cleared it up for me. I liked the second trailer a lot better, it says DAMN. THE. GODS. and is our first shot of Zeussy-baby, as my mum would've called him.

Now, Liam Neeson makes a good looking Zeus, especially with that beard (though it feels like it would be more suited to Poseidon). Plus, he has experience playing the bad-ass old dude - he was Qui-gon in Phantom Menace, and Ducard/R'as Al Ghul in Batman Begins - and also as being a theological personage doing the zoice of Aslan in the latest Narnia movies.

What can I say? Neeson is mega-qualified for this role, and I'm looking forward to a tour-de-force in watching Clash of Titans. My only concern is that it's getting all this awesome hype and that it may turn out to be, well, terrible. But, hey... one can hope eh?

And now for something we've all been missing, TODAY IN THE NEWS:

Scientists believe that people who watch porn for more than eighteen hours a day may have an addiction which could effect their social lives.

Le DUHR!

The Pros and Cons of Movie Posters, but without the Pros.

2010-02-10T22:15:00.000+11:00

So, I see Movie Posters almost all day long when I go to and from work. There's posters eeeeverywhere, and most of them are terrible or don't make any sense. Especially that one about the goat and the frog. But Movie posters are NORMALLY my highlight, except for, notably, the following.

Nothing about this poster makes me want to go to this movie. For one, I've got no idea what it's about, except it probably revolves around the rich and the famous. Which doesn't interest me, and even if it did, I could grab a trashy mag... or watch How To Lose Friends And Alienate People again. The guy - the ONLY guy - looks like a Nicholas Cage wannabee (everyone is a Nicholas Cage wannabee, but this guy looks like it), and is surrounded by a plethora of otherwise respectabale actresses who've stooped to a movie described as "Stylish and Sexy."

Do you see that tagline? It says Few escape justice. None escape vengeance. Now, call me crazy - go ahead, don't feel bad, people always do - but something tells me that in six thousand years of human history, spanning billions of people, at some point or another, somewhere, somehow, someone has escaped vengeance.

This last one is my favourite.

Spot the odd one out!

Everyone Loves Monstrous Sea Creatures

2010-02-04T20:55:00.000+11:00

So for the past few weeks, I've been seeing this movie, Mega Shark Versus Giant Ocotpus for like, ten dollars in the local video store. Each time I go buy I think "Ah, I'm going to buy that! ...next time." Anyway, my ever-lovely roommate got sick of me doing that and bought it for me, and I finally watched it.

Here's how it basically works - an oceanographer named Emma is studying whales when a military helicopter drops some complicated do-hickey into the water. Said do-hickey starts to mess things up, bad, and through a series of odd circumstances, cracks a large portion of underwater ice, freeing to monsters as old as time itself - Mega Shark and Giant Octopus. Emma spies both of them as they depart to wreak havoc, and despite nearly being eaten considers the whole thing a hallucination.

She returns to find a whale carcass with a giant shark tooth in it (HINT HINT) but it still skeptical so calls in her delightfully Irish former proffessor, who flies out to help her assess the tooth. Using some complex-looking programs on some incredibly old computers, the conclude the tooth came from a megalodon. Our big beasties start raising hell, and the governement calls them, along with the Japanese Dr. Shimato, in to help out.

The three scientists try a few approaches before deciding to lure both monsters to an out of the way place and have them duke it out, theorising that they were frozen in combat so many millions of years ago - which, of course, explains why they just swam away from eachother when they were thawed? - there, Sharky and Ock meet up for one final battle royale during which they both inexplicably sink to the surface after several repeated shots of them battling eachother. Emma and Shimato both survive and go on to have a happy ending until Irish Professor turns up with evidence of another enigmatic monstrous sea creature.

So, yes. It's a Mega-Shark V. a Giant Octopus, a battle of epic sea monsters, what we call a "niche market". Luckily, it's a niche I'm into.

Okay, the films biggest problems are as such - crappy effects. Most time when you see the beasts, they're shots that are constantly repeated and only show a small portion. Even then the CG is just terrible, looking roughly like something you could whip up on a graphics engine in the space of a few hours. If this movie had a budget of a few million to spend on better graphics, it probably would have been a worldwide charttopper, but instead it's so far below B-Movies it's a C-Movie (or a Sea Movie! Bellow "C" level! A-hurr-hurr-hurr!) Also, the Megalodon idea annoys me, since the Mega-Shark is a multi-kilometre long beast, not ninety-feet.

The film does have it's good points though, and lots of them. Even the poor graphics give a delightfully tacky feel, as do the Science Montages, which largely consist of our three heroes mixing different test tubes of food-colouring-coloured water. Those times when the monsters show up are pretty neat too, although their wanton destruction is a little annoying - they continue to destroy things for fun instead of predator-ness, with no explanation. Maybe just say millions of years had turned them insane? It doesn't make sense but it's better than "yeah, that Shark just ate the golden gate bridge. Because it WANTED to."

On the plus side, this does lead to what is by far the best scene in the movie. Picture it - this stewardess is walking along, asking everyone to bring their chairs up to level because they're about to land, and they encounter a little turbulence (lightning storms seem to follow these monsters). Nervous Fiance roughly states that they're not allowed to die, they're getting married in two days. Stewardess assures him they'll be fine. He sits down, looks out the window and sees THE OPEN MOUTH OF A GIANT SHARK FLYING TOWARDS HIM.

IT EATS THE PLANE OUT OF THE SKYYYY.

No?

Also, Lorenzo Lamas portrayal of Vince, the rude, rough military guy, is excellent. He's an utter, arrogant, puffed up bastard, and does an excellent job of it.

Two things that could have fixed this, outside of better CG - 1. Have someone actually win the battle. Probably the Octopus, it would be my pick if I were a gamblin' man. 2. Change the characters in the first scene to be inconsequential, and have them be eaten by the shark, THEN bring in Emma and the gang to save the day.

Diagnosis: Very Good, could have been Legendary with some better CG. Watch it if it sounds like something you'd be into, don't if it doesn't. Personally, I'm just looking forward to The Asylum's interpretation of Sherlock Holmes - Tyrannosaurs! In London!

Vot? You Expect Ze Vegular Oopdates?

2010-02-02T22:17:00.000+11:00

So I've been pretty quiet, and I could sum it up to my big project I've been working on. I'm not going to - the reason is merely that I'm lazy - but now that I could have, and chose not too, rather than lie to you, my adoring public.

Oh, pshaw. You know you love me.

Anyway, it's time to oh-so-offically anounce my big secret I hinted towards in my previous post. I've been trying to keep my lid on this one even though I want to talk about it, but I've been unawares as to when things would all come to fruition so OH HELL, I'VE MADE A MAGAZINE.

DIVERSION MAGAZINE is my latest peice of work, full of craziness and insanity. There's detail on the website, though, so GO THERE. And pass the link around!

don't go to cook outs

2010-01-29T23:00:00.000+11:00

Why’s the oven so big, Gus?

We’re just baking some cookies here, Gus.

We’re not making any Brontosaurus biscuits in this mother, Gus.

Oh wait… Yes we are!

Yeah, I bought some cookie cutters today. As you can see there’s a bunch of shapes – Circles, Stars, some Hexahump thing I assume is supposed to be a clover, and, most importantly for the occasion, hearts. It was only after the little eftpos screen said “Approved!” that I remembered I don’t actually have a girlfriend.

Oh well.
(And for those of you leaping to correct me, yes, I know they’re called Apatosaurus now. Calm down, children.)

At any rate, it’s the end of what has been a very long week. The weekend is looking pretty good, and I’ll spend most of it ignoring my friends as they try to convince me this fresh new thing called oxygen is nice and helps you live longer (or, at all). I’ve got things to DO this weekend, and if I do do them, then you will get to see the fruits of my labor tomorrow evening.

Well, it’s time to wrap up with what is becoming tradition – IN THE NEWS TODAY:

A football club in Hamburg, Germany, has taken their motto – “HSV Forever and Ever!” a little too far by deciding to build a cemetery with 500 plots next to their oval so that their loyal fans may be at the game, even in death. I for one look forward with enthusiasm to the surely-can’t-be-far-away-now days of Zombie Soccer. What’ll be next? Graves in pubs? At the office? Knowing me I’ll wind up cremated at the local Chinese Take-out.

Anne Hathaway was named woman of the year by Harvard University. Now, being Harvard University, and therefore quite prestigious and excellent and all those other things people say about a place I know nothing of, you’d think that they could find someone more worthy than an actress. No offense to Hathaway, but wouldn’t a place of learning more logically reward... the learned? Justin Timberlake was picked for man of the year, which just confirms my theories those old rascals at Harvard are trying to pull one over on us.

And finally, China’s Heaven and Earth pillars, the inspiration for the floating mountains of James Cameron’s avatar, have been renamed the Avatar mountains. Yes, you heard me correctly. The Chinese government has decided to cash in on tourism by remaining multi-million year old mountains. Now, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with Avatar, it’s very good – but it’s not “rename ancient mountains” level good. Nothing is. Now, Cameron – who I’m going to start calling Big Jim because I’m reading Stephen King’s Under the Dome right now – could step in and put a stop to this, talk them out of it. But Big Jim won’t. Because Big Jim has a self esteem problem. And I bet I know what the root of that problem is.

Your wife’s a bigfoot, isn’t she, Jim?

28 days

2010-01-28T17:05:00.000+11:00

So I realised something last night - this blog actually has comments. My face looked something like this.

To be honest, I'm not sure whether to be terrified or exultant. I'm so evenly split I'm creating a new adjective simply for this purpose - Texultant. Which looks a little like this.

Don't worry, I'm done with the image jokes.

Anyway, I wanted to adress something Pyrian mentioned a while ago, whether I was being more succesful with my no-soft-drink resolution than my blog-every-day resolution. Yes, I am - at midnight, it will be 4 weeks since my last intake of soft drink. At first it was hard, but I'm doing quite well now. I think being constantly exposed to the fizzy stuff at work actually helps rather than hinders, because it's forced me to get over it almost immediately. Of course, there's a long road ahead, but I'm enjoying it :) plus I'm drinking more fruit juice and more tea, both of which are plusses as long as I stick to less sugary stuff.

Also today, a friend at work came up to me. Instead of the usual "Hey, how are you?" he skipped straight to "So when are you getting married?"

...Eh?

First I get told why I don't have a girlfriend, now I'm asked when I'm getting married. What's next? People reminding me of my anniversary? Wishing me grave condolences on my loss? Using my billions of dollars to abscond with a seventeen year old blonde?

Turned out he only asked because he felt like having a Bachelor party. Sometimes, I don't think my friends know me very well.

And now, to wrap it up with another editon of IN THE NEWS TODAY:

The American Kennel Club has, for the nineteenth year in a row, elected the Labrador Retriever as Dog of the Year. I'm curious precisely how they go about this - is there some hard campaiging, politcal thriller chase? Do they stick all the dogs in a fight to the death? Or do they just sit down and go "Labrador again this year?" "Yeah, it's good." Apparently there's fears the Labrador might not hold it's own much longer, because the German Shepherd is on the rise, taking second place for the first time in three decades, which is usually taken by the Fox Terrier. As Yurgen himself said, "I like ze German Shepherds. Zey are gut dogs." As usual, the Labradaor Steal-Your-Things-And-Run-Away-With-Them-Er came last.

Steve Jobs announced his latest invention, the iPad. No, it's not computerised feminine hygeine, it's yet another device blurring the line between laptops and phones. I'd probably be temped to get one except I'd end up snapping it over my knee due to frustration over touch screens. Jobs also announced his next project, a combination Toaster/Howitzer. Looks like the war everwhere's gunna get a whole lot toastier - go get 'em, boys! [/incredibly insensitive.]

something new

2010-01-27T22:51:00.000+11:00

TODAY, IN THE NEWS

James Cameron complains that his actors Sam Worthington and Zoe Saldana seem unlikely to be getting Oscars for their performances in his $2,000,000,000 grossing film, Avatar. He stated, “I don’t see how we could… be in the running for numerous best-picture rewards if the acting wasn’t there and wasn’t top notch.” Don’t worry Jim, we’re also stymied at just how you pulled it off.

Those of us in glorious Australia may soon be free of the notably poisonous Cane Toad as a meat processing firm begins negotiating an export deal within China. In unrelated news, Chinese big wigs report that their population problem will soon be under control.

-----

Also, conversation between me and a coworker.

Her: Josh, why don't you cut your hair?
Me: I don't like the way it looks.
Her: Oh. Cut your hair, short looks better for boys.
Me: No, I like it this way,
Her: Oh.
*pause*
Her: Do you have a girlfriend?
Me: Nope.
Her: This is why.

FIN

Let us Rejoice!

2010-01-26T21:58:00.000+11:00

So, today's a very special day. That's right. Happy five hundred and thirteenth birthday, Emperor Go-Nara of Japan.

Oh, and it's Australia day.

Now, I've been informed that not many international people know the signifcance of such an event. To that end, I'm here to take you on a journey through space and time...

Well, not really. I'm just going to blather on and on. I suppose it will take some time to read, and if you decided to shift to the other couch during, you'd also go through space.

Anyhow! This day, January Twenty-Sixth, commemorates the day that Arthur Phillip and the first fleet, consisting of some eleven ships, arrived at Botany Bay to start up a colony that soon became known as New South Wales. We weren't imaginative with names then, and we aren't really now.

We had our precious convicts, then. Not so much now. I think we can all be proud to remember that we came from convicts. A lot of people make fun of it, but to me it seems to beat being there because Columbus got left and right confused.

Unfortunately it's this time of year that people get gripped with a sort of mania and go nuts about silly things. You know "Day off! Let's drink!" or "I'm bored! Let's drink!" "Let's drink! Let's drink!" Or the annual campaign to change the flag gets kicked up again, and then everyone remembers that people in Haiti are trapped under concrete in supermakrets. Well, not any more. Go Winslow.

So I thought to myself: how can I celebrate? I worked eight hours today. That's a celebration in and of itself, in the working-class-man spirit. I thought then about getting some lamb, but I only like lamb in roasts and feel too lazy for roasts. I could get some of those burgers shaped like Australia *snerk* but in the end I got Chinese takeout. Seem illogical? Well, I'm sticking up for virtues like Multicultralism and Giving Everyone a Fair Go. I think they are more important nowadays, especially with recent claims of racism and the like going around. I know theres obviously no law to this effect, but to me, being Australian is not so much about where your born but where you wind up.

This blog post has been a little rambling. My apologies.

Fashion in Melbourne

2010-01-20T22:02:00.000+11:00

So, thought for today: I was on my way home, and I first spotted a guy wearing a poncho. A long, down-to-the-feet poncho. It was cool, although it sort of seemed to me the guy was wearing a poncho to be different and edgy instead of for the everyday joy of wearing a poncho.

Five seconds later I saw a guy wearing a kilt and a singlet.

I love Melbourne (sometimes).

(Although seriously, a kilt and a singlet? I'm all for kilts, and singlets, but you've got to co-ordinate, man!)

Croatains + Tennis = Nazis?

2010-01-19T17:14:00.000+11:00

So Melburnians were given a rather surprising treat when we woke up to read the paper this morning.

The headline - "OPEN SHAME" (it's like a bad pun, but it's not a pun) - is the beginning of a story about how at the Australian Open (tennis, for those not in the know) first day, a horde (about twenty) of Croatian fans turned up and started walking around doing the Nazi Salute.

Because, obviously, this was the natural thing to do at a Tennis Match.

I mean, what reason have they got? Is Lleyton Hewwit secretly Hitler reborne, and his identity only visible to Croatia? I could make a cool novel out of that, but nein, mein fuhrer! Maybe they were referring to the recent outcries of racism in Victoria, but they seem to have the Jews confused with Indians. That's roughly equal to not being able to tell Denzel Washington from Jackie Chan.

There has again been a whole she-bang about how this is an embarrasment to Australia. How? We're not responsible for Croatia. No one asked us to baby sit. Or if they did, I didn't get my share of whatever was stashed in the UN's fridge. Maybe that's the motivation though. Think of it something like this.

~~

CROATIAN #1: How do we get people to remember we exist? We have some tennis players, but no one cares.

CROATIAN #2: How did America get famous, mm? Feuding with Britain! We will do the next best thing!

CROATIAN #1: Feud with Canada?

CROATIAN #2: No! Australia! Because it makes no sense at all! I know! We shall ruin their tennis opening by sending our entire army (approx. 20 people) and having them do the Nazi Salute! Then everyone will think Australian's are Nazi's, and Australia will be pissed at us!

CROATIAN #3: You know, I don't know why you guys even invited me if you were going to do all the talking.

~~

Moving on to something more worthy of your eyeballs, I'm a bit bummed because I cant watch the tennis this year. I like the tennis, it and the occasional footy game are the only things I miss. Well, that's all for today folks - and keep an eye out for those wascally Croatians!

(Yeah, if I get hate mail from Croatia, I'm putting it up on my wall.)

...Look over there!

2010-01-18T23:17:00.000+11:00

So, a bit of pondering - resolutions where you don't have to do anything to suceed are pretty easy. I mean, look at my quitting soft drink resolution. It's day 18 and I'm without fail, and each day is getting easier. Of course, I'll probably come close to a relapse at some point later on like I've done before, but with a bit of luck I'll manage to resist that urge.

However, something where you have to do something - especially every day - it's difficult. I mean, it seems fairly easy, scribble a few notes into a blog once a day? Yeah, sure. Except your internet doesn't always work. Sometimes you cant get cohesive thoughts together. Maybe your away. Maybe you got to bed and think "Oh, damn." Lots of things get in the way, and largely because you spend a lot of time sitting on your ass.

Of course, for people who don't sit on their ass, you can check out that Britisih Soldier who ran over 800km this week - he slept only two hours a night and ran twenty hours per day, losing two toenails in the process. Now THAT is doing something.

And to finish off, a little short fiction I wrote today.

~~

“Hey!” he says as he runs after me. “Hey! Wait up!”
I turn. I'm not sure what his name is. I know it's mean, but a lot of them look alike. There's lots of them, there's only one of me. But I know his face. If I saw it out of work, I'd know it was him.
“Hey,” I say. “What's up?”
“I forgot my shoes,” he says. I know he's lieing. The truth is, the state manager is here today. We're supposed to wear black leather shoes, but he always wears white sneakers. But I don't mind. The state manager annoys me. “Can I borrow yours?”
I shrug. “Sure,” I say.
“Thanks man,” he says with great relief. I've just saved him being scorned, after all.
“Anytime,” I say.
“I'll leave them in the locker,” he says. I nod, bend down, undo my laces, and pull the shoes off. Already, my feet feel better. I hate wearing closed in shoes – I'm more of a thongs man, like every good Australian.
I walk outside. It's been raining on and off, so the ground is a little soggy. It's got it's good points and it's bad points – on one hand, it's nice and cool. On the other hand, grime sticks to my feet. It wont matter once I get to the park, where the nice green grass will brush it all away.

* * *

“Mommy!” the little girl says as I walk past. I know she's not shouting, but when you're not around children much, they always sound like they are. “Why isn't that man wearing any shoes?”
“I don't know honey,” her mother says, ushering her along and giving me a suspicious sideways glance. “He must be weird.”

2010-01-10T12:32:00.000+11:00

"Hurr! I'm Felix! I'm going to blog every day for the whole year! My internet totally wont bug out and I'll be screwed, hurr!"

~Me, circa last week. May be paraphased.

Well, that didn't work out. I guess you can blame Vodafone for it, if you want. The important thing is that my internet is once again working and I'm back on the air...ternet.

So I just looked at a photo gallery of the world's ten most liveable countries. There's some interesting placements here. America has been regulated to number seven, which is two steps ahead of Canada who pull in at number nine, but a little behind New Zealand which somehow must have bribed it's way into fifth place.

Interestingly, Luxembourg managed to score sixth place. As one of the lesser-known European countries, that's pretty impressive. The photo has a shot of some trains, so I guess maybe they have good public transportation. Belgium (eighth) and Germany (fourth) are both good choices, though Belgium ought be higher on account of precious chocolates. Italy pulls in at number ten, which is outrageous for the homeland of Pizza.

I know what you're thinking, eh? How come you haven't mentioned Australia yet, Josh? Well, believe it or not, Australia came in at.... NUMBER TWO.

Now at first I thought "say whaaaaaa?" because this is totally unfair and impossible. I skipped ahead, thinking to my self, what nation could possibly outrank us, the greatest country of all time anywhere?

France.

I considered this a while. What's france got that we don't got?

Then it hit me.

Chocolate filled croissants for breakfast is the accepted norm.

Very well, France. You win this time.

Return of the Laptop!

2010-01-05T23:43:00.000+11:00

Ah, finally! Today I got my little mini laptop back from the laptop fix-it guys. It kept shutting down thanks to some sort of technical mumbo jumbo, but $140 bucks later everthing was all fixed.

On another note, part of me died when I saw this.

Yes, that's Dwayne Johnson.

No, this isn't a joke.

Whoops!

2010-01-04T22:59:00.000+11:00

Heh, messed that up pretty quick, huh? Well, luckily I put a little clause in all of my "every day" or "never ever" resolutions, namely that I get three strikes. This has been my first, here's hoping I don't need the second.

So, what will I be blogging about today, you ask? I'll tell you what. Paranormal Activity.

I went to see this latest movie the other night. It's been making headlines as the most (financially) succesful independent movie of all time. Now, I can't argue with the statistics. Well, I can. But I'll look like a fool. Not that that would stop me, but we're getting off track.

PA tells the story of a young couple, Katie and Micah. Katie is haunted by a demon that's been following her around periodically ever since she was eight. That's pretty much it.

Yeah, it's not a very inventive movie. The concept is not new, but it hasn't been done too many times yet. It's that handheld filming idea - as in, the movie is portrayed as the tape from Katie and Micah's camera which Micah buys to document the stuff that's going on.

Katie is naturally terified of the demon that haunts her, while Micah generally thinkings its neat and cool, though he manages to shut up around in front of Katie... mostly. Micah's fascination and intrusion eventually piss the demon off to the point where it starts taking a more active role in their lives.

My advice: don't worry about seeing this on the big screen. You wont miss anything by waiting till it comes out on DVD. Heck, you'll probably gain, because there wont be a bunch of morons in the cinema shouting all the time. This isn't a fast paced or plot heavy movie, but it gives you those occasion adrenaline rushes of "WOAH THATS FREAKY!", so, hey, give it a try, if you like it you do if you don't you don't.

If you got sick in movies like Cloverfield or Quarantine you might want to give it a miss though, it uses the same camerawork, which admittedly makes my stomach act up something awful. I actually still don't know (or care) how Cloverfield ended just because I felt that sick.

Saturday Bake-o-rama

2010-01-02T17:52:00.000+11:00

So, among other things today, I decided to get some baking done. I wanted to make a pie, and eventually chose a peach pie, but when I went to the supermarket I had a few different ideas. I wound up mashing up some Chocolate Ripple biscuits and mixing them with melted butter to make a biscuit base, then put canned peaches on top of it. I dont know what it is now, but hopefully it will taste good.

Next up I made some cookies as snacks for the movies tonight. I forgot to by eggs so they turned out a little crumbly, but they're still quite tasty. I made them with brown sugar instead of white (brown power!) and put in some oats and almond meal. Quite tasty. Here's dough. I mixed it in a fry pan because my only mixing bowl currently contains enough potato salad to sink a ship, or possibly a freight train. You know, if freight trains weren't already going to sink immediately on account of being freight trains.

And THIS is what the kitchen look like when I was done.

That's all, folks!

Don't Hurt Me.

2010-01-01T22:24:00.000+11:00

You've probably noticed that I haven't been blogging for, well, since time unknown (September 10. If this was nine years ago, that would be disastrous). And by "you've probably noticed" I mean "What? This thing still exists?"

Well, it's January first, 2010, and one of my sixty two - and counting! - New Years Resolutions is to blog every single day.

Sixty two sound like a bit much? A litte more than lose some weight and pay off the credit card bills, huh? Well, it's actually a tone down for me. Last year I did one hundred and fourteen, but I only completed maybe thirty of them.

So, I'm back in town. This year is going to be pretty neato - I've got a lot of exciting things happening, and with my resolutions going on, I'm sure to get involved in many adventures. Writng them all out here would ruin it, but I'll pick a few just for your sake.

#16 - Go Camping.
#56 - Give up Soft Drink. Yeah, I'm insane.
#45 - Watch Disney Movies.
#7 - Remember Dad's Birthday. I've forgotten this one twice in a row, since it happens to be the first day of NaNoWriMo.
#58 - Write an Epic Poem.

That won't be all the blog will be about, thought. Not only are there many more resolutions, but I'll bug you about writing, travel, and the ins and outs of working in fast food, as well as so much more.

Get excited, humanity. 2010 is going to be a BIG ONE.

lame

2009-09-10T20:17:00.000+10:00

So this is one of those lame posts where I apologise for not posting more. I know, don't you just hate that? And I can't even claim there was nothing worth posting about, because there HAS been stuff to post about.

The majority of that stuff revovles around the fact that my grandfather died a week or two ago, which has made life a little more confusing than usual. We're all doing fine though.

He left me his laptop and printer, which is pretty sweet. I'm using the new laptop to write this post from!

Well, there's a lot of things that have been going on lately, but none of them are important enough to warrant repeating now that their time has passed. I'll be going on the Young Endeavour just a few days from now, so I'll be gone for two weeks or so.

Bon Voyage!

p.s. yes, I know I wrote a more indepth post when my dog died. If I dwell on grandpa too much I'll just get sad.

workin' marathon

2009-08-24T21:40:00.001+10:00

Yark. Today was my first day of six days in a row of work, four of which are seven am starts.

I didn't feel so bad getting up this morning, but my ability to get myself a-goin' will steadily decline over the next few days. I've even started having baths at night so I can sleep in more, but unfortunately 5:30 is still pretty dang early.

On the plus side, on my day off I woke up about an hour early than I usually did. Who knows, maybe before long I'll be a good little boy waking up at a decent time, AKA not two PM. I'd actually really like that, since it would enable me to do more with my day. The boys down at the lab would have to invent whole new levels of procrastination.

Well, I'd better get some shuteye. Before I know it I'll be staring down my mobile phone again as it wakes me up with another cheery rendition of "Shot Through the Heart! And you're to blame!"

Good night, everybody!

Oh, one last weird thing - I like to set my alarm for about half an hour before I plan to awake, then reset it when it goes off for the planned time. It makes me feel so much better to have a faux sleep in, and keeps that sudden "Yeah, you have to wake up NOW!" moment from creeping up on me.

the skillz

2009-08-19T20:34:00.000+10:00

Had a fun day at work today. They put me on the main board in Burger Room, basically meaning I was assembling burgers all day long. First time I've ever done this, especially during the lunch hour. It was all good though and I managed not to kill anyone.

I had an idea for a short story, though, while I was making burgers. I thought, what if we employed some sort of crazy satanist burger maker who instead of doing the usual spiral, did ketchup in... dun dun dunnn, a pentagram! It'd be all crazy and unrealistic, but entertaining. Not to mention that people seem to like devil-stories for some reason. I mean, look at Sometimes They Come Back. Not only was it a succesful short story but spawned a movie and a sequel-movie - and no offense to Stephen King, but it was absolutely terrible.

That will be all.

I win!

2009-08-16T21:07:00.000+10:00

So, the other day I found out I won the Hungry Jacks Young Endeavour Scholarship - the awesome joy is this means that work will pay to fly me to Darwin, then I sail for eleven days to Broome, and they pay to fly me back here.

Ain't life great? Free holiday! Life is awesome!

The only real downside is that I have to go to the doctors on Tuesday. The annoying thing is the financial expense, even though I rather enjoy visiting the doctors.

But sailing! On a boat!

As you can tell, I'm pretty stoked.

2009-08-11T20:26:00.000+10:00

Today was a strange day. I'm finally feeling a lot better, so I went back to work. I worked and worked and worked until I stopped, but afterwards we had the "safety committee" meeting.

Pretty standard stuff really. We went over the accidents that had happened in the past few months and then did a general store inspection. The weird part of it ultimately is that one of the things we had to check was whether or not there was a safe accesway to the roof.

As I myself said, the only occasion in which we'll need a safe accessway to the roof is in the case of a "Dawn of the Dead"-esque Zombie uprising. Then Steve told me that wasn't important since in that case he'd been on the roof already and wouldn't let anyone else up.

We also discussed how if the fire in the broiler managed to reach the fat traps, the whole store would burn down in about fifteen seconds.

I love safety!